Plans Change

"As the heavens are higher than the earth,

so are my ways higher than your ways

and my thoughts than your thoughts." Isaiah 55:9

Our plan after the ectopic pregnancy was to adopt from the Philippines. It would take 3-4 years, which would give us time to raise money and allow me to start and finish PA school. We had a plan. 

We found out if I went to PA school, we would no longer qualify to adopt from the Philippines. I decided not to pursue PA school, (for additional reasons not just the adoption). Now I was concerned about how I would continue to perform my job physically though. Plans change.

We were getting close to completing the paperwork for our home study, and we had already began working on the dossier. We had a plan. 

After researching the school Oliver was zoned to for kindergarten next year, we decided the best decision would be to enroll him in the school his cousins go to in Wilson, NC. We had always wanted to build our dream home on my father-in-law's land in Sims, NC, (but chose not to because of my job in Durham). When I found out about a job opening at Duke Perinatal Raleigh, we went for it. This job also had great potential of being easier on my shoulders/arms. We had a plan.

Because we were selling our house, the home study would be delayed. We found out the Philippines require a three bedroom house if you already have one child, but renting a three bedroom house was not possible. The doors to adopting a child from the Philippines slowly began to close. Plans change.

After putting the adoption on hold, Bradd mentioned the idea of trying to get pregnant again. At that same time, I was a feeling a stirring in my heart to try again too. We had a plan.

We had our second IUI (Intrauterine Insemination) with Clomid in February 2016. I had two mature follicles on my right ovary. This was an answer to prayer, since the ectopic was on the left side.

However, it was unsuccessful. 

We found out we were not pregnant.

We thought this was God's plan...that all of the changes in our lives were leading up to this moment: a successful pregnancy.

Christ is better.

I must admit that when the pregnancy test was negative, I punched the bed pretty hard. I laid next to Bradd and cried, (he might have to). Even though I trust that God has a plan far better than our own, secondary infertility still hurts. Before this happened, we had been reading the book of Job as a church, and I think that really puts things in perspective for anyone going through trials in life. I know several friends going through secondary infertility and some primary infertility. Their faith is always encouraging. I definitely have my low moments, but they (along with family and our precious Lord and Savior) are there to help lift me up.

I pray this blog is an encouragement to someone else, just as I have been encouraged by blogs in the past. After all, infertility / pregnancy loss is all too common...but as a friend shared with me this week, it is for a reason! 

As far as our plans with the adoption, Bradd and I are praying about domestic infant adoption, (the number of bedrooms does not matter). We are also praying about foster to adopt, as well as adopting from adoptuskids.org (children available for adoption in the foster care system). 

For a long time I felt led to adopt an older child who was waiting for a home, versus a baby for whom there are multiple waiting families. It was not until we found out about not qualifying to adopt internationally and going through our second IUI that my heart became open to domestic infant adoption.

I remember the days when I used to volunteer at crisis pregnancy centers and briefly counsel women after their ultrasound about the option of adoption. Bradd and I have always been pro life and we feel adopting an infant is helping to put our faith in action. 

We also still feel led to an older child too, (but younger than Oliver). We just don't know the route God will lead us on. 

I am asking Jesus to help me remain in His hope and grace during this time. I really do believe He is teaching me to abide in His grace and be satisfied that my hope is in Him and not in my dreams of a bigger family. Speaking of hope and grace, that reminds me of Rhea Hope and Ivy Grace...

We can look back without regret that we did not give up on getting pregnant too soon, (as in we attempted another IUI). After all, soon after we decided to pursue adoption, I had a vision of a little girl with soft light brown curls standing in front of me. I knew it was my daughter. I gasped and the tears flowed down my face. I asked God, "Is that the daughter we are giving up if we don't try to get pregnant again?" Then, a peace came over me and I felt strongly that the little girl was in Heaven- it was either Rhea Hope or Ivy Grace. Regardless of who the little girl was- I can now look back peacefully with no regrets. 

In the moments leading up to our decision to try another IUI, I can tell you beyond a shadow of a doubt, that God was leading us. Up until that point, I did not desire to try to get pregnant again, (although the yearn to nurse another baby will always be there). My heart was set on adoption. Once we decided to try again, everything seemed to happen quickly and peacefully. Even though we did not get pregnant, I can still look back and know that God was and is in control.

We are also extremely blessed to have been given our precious Oliver who was loaned to us from our Heavenly Father who gives good gifts. 

Plans change. God does not. His goodness is never failing. All glory be to God for He alone satisfies our soul, (I am still learning to live out that promise- a promise that demands I give my plans to God and let go of my own dreams). 

"'For I know the plans I have for you,' declares the LORD, 'plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.'" Jeremiah 29:11

Song lyrics by Lauren Daigle:

"Trust In You"

Letting go of every single dream

I lay each one down at Your feet 

Every moment of my wandering

Never changes what You see

I’ve tried to win this war I confess

My hands are weary I need Your rest

Mighty Warrior, King of the fight

No matter what I face, You’re by my side

When You don’t move the mountains I’m needing You to move

When You don’t part the waters I wish I could walk through

When You don’t give the answers as I cry out to You

I will trust, I will trust, I will trust in You!

Truth is, You know what tomorrow brings 

There’s not a day ahead You have not seen

So, in all things be my life and breath

I want what You want Lord and nothing less

When You don’t move the mountains I’m needing You to move

When You don’t part the waters I wish I could walk through

When You don’t give the answers as I cry out to You

I will trust, I will trust, I will trust in You!

You are my strength and comfort

You are my steady hand

You are my firm foundation; the rock on which I stand

Your ways are always higher

Your plans are always good

There’s not a place where I’ll go, You’ve not already stood

When You don’t move the mountains I’m needing You to move

When You don’t part the waters I wish I could walk through

When You don’t give the answers as I cry out to You

I will trust, I will trust, I will trust in You!

I will trust in You!

I will trust in You!

I will trust in You!

A Fertile Field

9 

You know how sometimes you read a passage in the Bible and it just totally comes alive? Like as if it were literally jumping off of the page and into your heart? I will admit, this does not happen to me as often as I would like. Mostly because I think I read too fast and not nearly enough. Well, these words I read seemed to leap into my heart! Praise the Lord!

Here is the passage, (Isaiah 32:9-20):

"Rise up, you women who are at ease,

And hear my voice;
Give ear to my word,
You complacent daughters.
10 Within a year and a few days
You will be troubled, O complacent daughters;
For the vintage is ended,
And the fruit gathering will not come.
11 Tremble, you women who are at ease;
Be troubled, you complacent daughters;
Strip, undress and put sackcloth on your waist,
12 Beat your breasts for the pleasant fields, for the fruitful vine,
13 For the land of my people in which thorns and briars shall come up;
Yea, for all the joyful houses and forthe jubilant city.
14 Because the palace has been abandoned, the populated city forsaken.
Hill and watch-tower have become caves forever,
A delight for wild donkeys, a pasture for flocks;
15 Until the Spirit is poured out upon us from on high,
And the wilderness becomes a fertile field,
And the fertile field is considered as a forest.
16 Then justice will dwell in the wilderness
And righteousness will abide in the fertile field.
17 And the work of righteousness will be peace,
And the service of righteousness, quietness and confidence forever.
18 Then my people will live in a peaceful habitation,
And in secure dwellings and in undisturbed resting places;
19 And it will hail when the forest comes down,
And the city will be utterly laid low.
20 How blessed will you be, you who sow beside all waters,
Who let out freely the ox and the donkey."

Who are the women at ease? Why were they being asked to rise up? I am no Bible scholar, but it seems these women had hearts that were far from Jesus. From what I have researched regarding this passage, these women were full of idolatry and carelessness. They were at ease with living for themselves and remaining in their sin.

As the passage continues, these women are warned that trouble will soon encroach upon them. They are urged to mourn. They are commanded to be troubled. This was a major wake up call for them. However, why would they be asked to be troubled? Maybe these women were so caught up in their idolatry that they were blind to both the inner and outer turmoil taking place. Something had to happen for God to get their attention...

The passage seems to indicate that there is no peace or fruitfulness until the Spirit is poured out. One commenter says it this way, "True satisfaction is only to be had in true religion." As I read that statement I recalled my prayer when I first become pregnant with Rhea Hope in Fall 2014, "Jesus, help me to be satisfied with you and you alone. Even if this pregnancy fails and we never get pregnant again, be my joy and satisfaction." 

I am one of those women. I have been at ease and complacent with my own sin many times. What I love about this passage is how it says peace will not come until the Spirit is poured out. Will you join with me in prayer that His spirit will be
poured out upon woman (and men) everywhere? The passage also mentions how the wilderness will become a fertile field. A wilderness is often a dry, weary land full of unknown and people wandering around lost. Can you imagine the Holy Spirit leading all those wandering people out of the wilderness?

 "A fertile field." When I consider fertility, I always think of physically fertility.
 Obviously this passage is about spiritual fertility. May the wilderness of infertility that so many women struggle with be filled peace, confidence,
 and rest. In the same way, may our spiritual infertility become a fertile field of peace, confidence, and rest as we are filled with the Holy Spirit. 

I recently read a few posts of a blog by "Caroline In Due Time." She has struggled with primary infertility for about three years or so. Her and her husband decided not to pursue fertility treatment and to trust that God will give them a child "in due time." What an amazing testimony of a woman not at ease and not complacent with living for herself...a woman full of peace, confidence, and rest in her savior. Obviously, she goes through hard times, (she is very real and open in her blog), but she continues to trust and I believe she is truly satisfied in Jesus.

"And the fertile field is considered as a forest." I am praying for women everywhere that they will experience spiritual and physical fertility and the Holy Spirit will be poured out upon us all! May we look forward in whatever field we are in. May the snow fall of His presence fall upon us as we follow in His footsteps wherever He leads us. May our hearts be cleansed white as snow and may complacency be trampled and left behind as we are filled with His peace, confidence, and rest- even in what may seem the longest and coldest Winter ever.

Grief is Fickle

"Grief is fickle." That statement was mentioned in a blog by a mother of four (Breena Holt) who lost one of her children to Batten disease. I think every human can relate to that statement, because we have all experienced grief in our lives.
After reading her statement, I remembered my fickleness that is displayed throughout my previous blog posts since the ectopic pregnancy. After all, my thoughts about pursuing adoption sooner than later or trying again to conceive changed more than once.
Whenever I am wondering what I should do in a particular situation, and I ask Bradd, he gently tells me, "Make a decision and stick with it. Love Jesus and do what you want." What he means by that is as long as you are truly in love with Jesus, your desires become His desires. Of course, you still have to pray earnestly and fervantly concerning God's direction in your life, and seek Him in every area. However, I tend to worry quite often whether or not I am doing God's will. My heart also tends to be fickle naturally, especially when I am grieving; as I have learned recently. Hence, Bradd's statement to me.
When I found out about the national together for adoption conference held at our church, I knew I had to go. No matter how far away the adoption process was for us, I knew we would adopt one day, so going to the conference was a must.
I learned many aspects concerning orphan care that I did not know before. For now, I will share the specific part I learned that pushed us to the decision to officially begin the process as well as where we are adopting from.
On the last day of the conference, as I was heading to a session where adult adoptees speak about their experience being adopted, I decided to stop at a booth manned by Christian Adoption Services. One of the ladies talked with me about their international adoption program as well as their domestic one. My heart was pulled towards their international program but I knew how Bradd felt last time I mentioned international adoption. He did not feel comfortable traveling outside of the country. I still felt like I should listen to what she had to say. I also knew I was missing the session, but I just couldn't leave that booth.
One reason for being fickle about beginning the process was the timing and financial strain. With many countries, the wait time once you submit your dossier is one to two years. Once I found out about their regular international adoption program which takes three to four years from the time you submit your dossier, I was smitten with the idea. For us, the longer the process takes, the better. When I found out about several fundraisers that this agency helps you with, the financial worries began to ease as well. It was comforting knowing we would have more time to raise the funds than if we chose domestic adoption or even adoption from a different country. Even though we will still need to raise a significant amount of money within the next year, we believe God will provide.
Another aspect that helped us choose this agency and country was the amount of time spent in the country. We will only have to travel to this country once, and only stay there five to seven days.
Upon leaving the conference, I texted Bradd and asked him to please pray for God to speak to his heart about something I was going to talk to him about. Honestly, I was nervous that Bradd and I would feel differently about the information I was going to share.
I cried and hugged him after he shared his response; which was genuinely and extremely supportive. I smiled too.
Speaking of smiles...

As we delve into this overwhelming process, there may be more trials than smiles. After all, as my friend Rebecca Shrader has said, "Adoption is not all rainbows and unicorns..." See the following excerpt from her blog written over a year ago, (they are bringing home a little boy from Ethiopia soon):
"We are adopted by God into His kingdom, into His family with Jesus. We inherit the Kingdom WITH Jesus. Once we make the decision to follow Christ, we are promised to follow Him all the way up into Heaven. Heaven is OURS. What a wonderful family we will have! The best earthly example of God’s love for us is adoption. Adoption is a heartbreaking process. There are years of waiting, years of tears, years of hardship ahead. Adoption is not all rainbows and unicorns, it’s incredibly hard to become a parent to a child who isn’t your blood. But God does this over and over. God adopted all of us and it was our decision to choose His family. He gets an eternity of heartbreak, but He also gets the elation when one of His children joins His family."
"For all who are led by the Spirit of God are children of God. So you have not received a spirit that makes you fearful slaves. Instead, you received God’s Spirit when he adopted you as his own children. Now we call him, 'Abba, Father.' For his Spirit joins with our spirit to affirm that we are God’s children." Romans 8:14-16
. We hope this blog is not just an encouragement to anyone going through primary or secondary infertility, and/or pregnancy loss but adoption as well. After all, blogs about adoptions, (Rebecca's for example), were extremely helpful- especially right now.
Yes, grief is fickle, but Jesus remains constant and unchanging. I was worried by pursuing the adoption process right away that it was going to become (or already was) an idol in my heart. Perhaps I was indeed (and still am) trying to fill the void left from miscarriages. However, even if I am, I believe God can still be glorified in my weaknesses.
After all, there is a child God has chosen for us to adopt into our family; and adoption is not about us,
 but about the child. I pray my desire to give Oliver a sibling through adoption is glorifying God, despite my weaknesses. Jesus has always been faithful. No matter how fickle our hearts are, we can trust and be thankful that He will never fail us.
Please pray that God is glorified through this journey and that He uses this child to one day reach the nations. We covet your prayers during this process.

In His Peace,
~Candace

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