Grief is Fickle

"Grief is fickle." That statement was mentioned in a blog by a mother of four (Breena Holt) who lost one of her children to Batten disease. I think every human can relate to that statement, because we have all experienced grief in our lives.
After reading her statement, I remembered my fickleness that is displayed throughout my previous blog posts since the ectopic pregnancy. After all, my thoughts about pursuing adoption sooner than later or trying again to conceive changed more than once.
Whenever I am wondering what I should do in a particular situation, and I ask Bradd, he gently tells me, "Make a decision and stick with it. Love Jesus and do what you want." What he means by that is as long as you are truly in love with Jesus, your desires become His desires. Of course, you still have to pray earnestly and fervantly concerning God's direction in your life, and seek Him in every area. However, I tend to worry quite often whether or not I am doing God's will. My heart also tends to be fickle naturally, especially when I am grieving; as I have learned recently. Hence, Bradd's statement to me.
When I found out about the national together for adoption conference held at our church, I knew I had to go. No matter how far away the adoption process was for us, I knew we would adopt one day, so going to the conference was a must.
I learned many aspects concerning orphan care that I did not know before. For now, I will share the specific part I learned that pushed us to the decision to officially begin the process as well as where we are adopting from.
On the last day of the conference, as I was heading to a session where adult adoptees speak about their experience being adopted, I decided to stop at a booth manned by Christian Adoption Services. One of the ladies talked with me about their international adoption program as well as their domestic one. My heart was pulled towards their international program but I knew how Bradd felt last time I mentioned international adoption. He did not feel comfortable traveling outside of the country. I still felt like I should listen to what she had to say. I also knew I was missing the session, but I just couldn't leave that booth.
One reason for being fickle about beginning the process was the timing and financial strain. With many countries, the wait time once you submit your dossier is one to two years. Once I found out about their regular international adoption program which takes three to four years from the time you submit your dossier, I was smitten with the idea. For us, the longer the process takes, the better. When I found out about several fundraisers that this agency helps you with, the financial worries began to ease as well. It was comforting knowing we would have more time to raise the funds than if we chose domestic adoption or even adoption from a different country. Even though we will still need to raise a significant amount of money within the next year, we believe God will provide.
Another aspect that helped us choose this agency and country was the amount of time spent in the country. We will only have to travel to this country once, and only stay there five to seven days.
Upon leaving the conference, I texted Bradd and asked him to please pray for God to speak to his heart about something I was going to talk to him about. Honestly, I was nervous that Bradd and I would feel differently about the information I was going to share.
I cried and hugged him after he shared his response; which was genuinely and extremely supportive. I smiled too.
Speaking of smiles...

As we delve into this overwhelming process, there may be more trials than smiles. After all, as my friend Rebecca Shrader has said, "Adoption is not all rainbows and unicorns..." See the following excerpt from her blog written over a year ago, (they are bringing home a little boy from Ethiopia soon):
"We are adopted by God into His kingdom, into His family with Jesus. We inherit the Kingdom WITH Jesus. Once we make the decision to follow Christ, we are promised to follow Him all the way up into Heaven. Heaven is OURS. What a wonderful family we will have! The best earthly example of God’s love for us is adoption. Adoption is a heartbreaking process. There are years of waiting, years of tears, years of hardship ahead. Adoption is not all rainbows and unicorns, it’s incredibly hard to become a parent to a child who isn’t your blood. But God does this over and over. God adopted all of us and it was our decision to choose His family. He gets an eternity of heartbreak, but He also gets the elation when one of His children joins His family."
"For all who are led by the Spirit of God are children of God. So you have not received a spirit that makes you fearful slaves. Instead, you received God’s Spirit when he adopted you as his own children. Now we call him, 'Abba, Father.' For his Spirit joins with our spirit to affirm that we are God’s children." Romans 8:14-16
. We hope this blog is not just an encouragement to anyone going through primary or secondary infertility, and/or pregnancy loss but adoption as well. After all, blogs about adoptions, (Rebecca's for example), were extremely helpful- especially right now.
Yes, grief is fickle, but Jesus remains constant and unchanging. I was worried by pursuing the adoption process right away that it was going to become (or already was) an idol in my heart. Perhaps I was indeed (and still am) trying to fill the void left from miscarriages. However, even if I am, I believe God can still be glorified in my weaknesses.
After all, there is a child God has chosen for us to adopt into our family; and adoption is not about us,
 but about the child. I pray my desire to give Oliver a sibling through adoption is glorifying God, despite my weaknesses. Jesus has always been faithful. No matter how fickle our hearts are, we can trust and be thankful that He will never fail us.
Please pray that God is glorified through this journey and that He uses this child to one day reach the nations. We covet your prayers during this process.

In His Peace,
~Candace

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Waiting for a Blessing

Sometimes the storm comes unexpectedly, and the blessing you were waiting on has been tossed to and fro. After the rain sets in, your heart suddenly floods with questions. Questions that take your breath away. The suffering felt during the storm is often so overwhelming that all you can do is reach upward towards the giver of the rain itself. Watching the rain come down harder and harder, you see a glimpse of sunlight breaking through. Only for a moment though, does the ray of light peek out from behind the clouds. Wondering if the rain is pouring down to get your attention, you decide to keep watching. As you watch, you continue searching for the sun, hoping it will make its appearance soon. At last, the rain starts to trickle down from the sky, no longer a hard rain. Finally, the rain drops have stopped. You breathe a sigh of relief, only to find that your child is crying. You turn to face him, and swoop him up in your arms. He says he is sad because he wanted to dance and sing in the rain, and now the rain has disappeared. You tell him to look at the sunshine now, hoping he will smile. Instead, he peers through the window and prays for the rain to come again. The questions that flooded your heart are now silenced. As the sunshine beams through, your heart is filled with comfort, but at the same time, an ache for something more...

When you are in the midst of suffering, your eyes are often turned to Jesus. You go to Him with your doubts, fears, heartache, and tears. Sometimes though, you are so focused on when the suffering will end, that you miss the beauty of the rain. When the sunshine comes, you get distracted by the warmth and comfort it brings- it also makes you long for something more. The questions that came in like a flood, are now on a dry wasteland. The questions that moved you closer to the maker of the sun are now covered in so much light that they cannot be seen. Just like your child missed the rain, because he was unable to sing and dance out in it, so will you miss the dance you danced with Jesus during your suffering. Do not let the hope for a brighter tomorrow cause you to miss the grace that comes during your suffering. 

As followers of Christ, we are blessed when we suffer. Our hope is not hidden in the clouds during the storm. Christ is our hope that shines through the darkest day. Grace really does fall upon us
like rain. His grace is poured out as showers of blessing. 

Dancing with Jesus through the storm is what I hope and pray all of us women, (and men) will do when we face these struggles. As I have briefly mentioned before, several women I know who have suffered infertility and pregnancy loss have used their suffering to bless others. I have also been blessed by many of my patients who have suffered too. 

One day the storm will pass. That is not to say that there will not be another storm after that. 

Here is an excerpt from Pastor JD's sermon this past weekend at the Summit church, (he talks about suffering):

"...Peter assumed the Messiah would end all suffering for God’s people. • And this wasn’t without warrant—the OT repeatedly promised that a Messiah would come and end injustice, right all wrongs, end suffering...
o But there was also talk in the OT about a Servant God would send who would suffer... and who this Person would be was confusing to Jewish people
o but they never dreamed that the Suffering Servant and the Conquering Christ were the same Person.
So Peter, along with most Jews of his time, couldn’t conceive of a suffering Messiah...
Peter expresses the heart of Christian immaturity: Jesus Christ came so that I wouldn’t suffer.

• But Jesus said, “No, Peter, I’m not going to save you from suffering; I am going to save you through suffering.”
  o And I’m not going to stop your pain; I am going to redeem your pain, and give it meaning, and use it to bring life to yourself and the world...
• And Jesus tells Peter that until he understands this he should stop speaking for Jesus.
  o Vs 30: don’t tell anyone I’m the Christ until you understand this!

1. You have consumer faith if you expect Christ to remove all

hardship from your life

o “Get behind me, Satan! Peter, shut your mouth until you understand this.”
You see, many immature Christians still assume that salvation means that all suffering in your life will end, and if you suffer, God is somehow not keeping up his end of the deal.
But Jesus says, “Salvation doesn’t end the problems in your life; sometimes they intensify. My promise is that in these problems, I will be working to produce life.” 

When you find out that he may not remove every problem from your life, you go through a test, like Peter did:
Why are you following Jesus?
Are you following him because of what you think he can provide for you, or because you believe he is more valuable than life itself?
You see, all of us have certain expectations of Jesus. You don’t have the same expectations that Peter did: he believed the Messiah would overthrow Rome and give freedom to Israel. Most of you didn’t grow up dreaming of war with Rome (unless you’re a video gamer)...
but we grow up with a view of Jesus that corresponds with our consumeristic culture: We think of God who is part genie in a bottle, part therapist, life coach, personal cheerleader, financial advisor. A God who exists for your purposes; a Go at your beck and call.
What are you going to do when Jesus doesn’t fit your expectations?
It is going to be a moment of truth... Are you going to throw up your hands and walk away?

It doesn’t record this here, but one time when Jesus made statements like this one a lot of people quit following him—they were like, “Whoa, we were all about the healing and the blessing and the solid families, not the cross.”
• Jesus then turned to Peter and said, “Peter, are you going to leave also?” What Peter says is not inspiring. Peter throws up his hands and says, “Where else am I going to go?” You have the words of eternal life.” In other words, I am frustrated by you, but at the end of the day I’d rather have you and nothing else than anything without you.”
• Peter passed his test. Will you?• You will go through it! I see it all the time. The cancer doesn’t go in remission; the loved one dies; the marriage doesn’t get better; the kids don’t come back.
Peter thought of the Christ has someone who would make his life better. But now Jesus starts talking about willingly picking up a cross—this is not a completion of his life, but a forfeiture of his life.
The time it became clear to me... Not going well. Sacrifice.

• Is that the kind of picture you want to characterize your life? Is that what you were expecting when you came to Jesus?
• Dietrich Bonhoeffer said it best: “When Jesus bids a man to follow him, he bids him come and die.”
  What do you think Jesus’ purpose was in saving you? Many people assume that becoming a Christian just means cleaning up your life and in response you get God’s help and he takes you to heaven.

• Jesus said it means offering yourself without restriction to him;
offering up your life for the world the way that he did his. Have you ever offered yourself to God this way?" 

-JD Greear

When the rain falls, and the sunshine is nowhere in sight, do not let the sound of the storm stop you from speaking out. Infertility and pregnancy loss are often silent sorrows. Suffering in silence can be deafening. Reach out to someone you trust if you are suffering. Hope and grace are there- and you do not have to wait for the storm to pass before you meet them.

Perhaps the blessing we are waiting for whenever we are suffering from primary / secondary infertility or pregnancy loss is already here- the blessing of God's presence. 

In His Peace,

~Candace

Jesus can Fill that Void

I am starting out this blog post with a quote from my first post, (before the one announcing our adoption): "Living in the unknown is hard for me. I would love to fast forward time to a place where we are holding a newborn in our arms, or we are embracing life as family of three, or to the time when we begin the adoption process, (we want to adopt but are still praying about the timing). I am sure anyone going through fertility treatment just wants to be at the end of it. However, I can almost hear that still, small voice telling me not to rush this process. The process of grieving, the process of waiting, and the process of listening...listening to that still, small voice in the midst of suffering."

Shortly after I made my most recent post public, I began feeling more and more sad over decision not to pursue further fertility treatment. I think at the time I wanted closure and I wanted to fill the empty void from this pregnancy loss. At the time, it felt therapeutic for me to come to a decision and "move on." Now, the quote above keeps coming back to me. "Don't rush this process of grieving..."

In order for me to feel at peace and truly heal from this, I feel I must again share what is on my heart, (so that I do not feel dishonest). Right now, we are not making a decision one way or the other as far as trying to conceive again. We still know we want to adopt one day, that has not changed. We just do not know when, but the Lord certainly does!

The void women and men feel after primary or secondary infertility and pregnancy loss is real. However, Jesus really is there to fill that void. I just need to let Him do just that- and not idolize another child, (whether through adoption or conception), but seek Him.

Instead of selling the earrings, I hope to give them away to women I know, (and may meet one day) who have experienced infertility or pregnancy loss. Therefore, if you are reading this blog, and have experienced either or both of those, feel free to comment or message me. I would love to bless you with a pair of JennaJayneEarrings.

In Him,
Candace