It's Okay to Not be Okay

"Remember your word to your servant,
in which you have made me hope. This is my comfort in my affliction,
that your promise gives me life."
Psalm 119:49-50

In July 2014, Bradd and I started trying to expand our family. We found out we were pregnant in October 2014. That pregnancy ended in an early miscarriage. We named that baby "Rhea Hope" since my middle name, before I was married, was Rhea. Also because our hope is in Jesus, (and we have hope for more children, of course).

We continued to try to conceive again for several months. After several months of no success, I saw a fertility doctor because I felt like my endometriosis was back, (due to the pain).

The doctor concluded that I have borderline low ovarian reserve and that the endometriosis had most likely recurred based on my ultrasound and symptoms. At that point, she said we need to conceive as soon as possible. Our three options were as follows: IVF (In Vitro Fertilization), IUI (Intrauterine Insemination), or continue to try on our own for no more than three cycles. We opted to keep trying on our own first.

Here we are, months later, after completing our first IUI with Clomid and ovulation induction. I had a positive pregnancy test and I was elated. I felt extremely blessed to simply have a positive pregnancy test! I immediately began to re-hash out baby names with Bradd and I even pulled out all of my old maternity clothes I wore with Oliver.

By the way, just in case you are wondering, we conceived on the first try with Oliver. Although, I had a laparoscopy to remove endometriosis before getting pregnant with him.

Bradd reminded me that anything could go wrong, and he was not going be satisfied until there was a baby in his arms. I, on the other hand, had my hopes up immediately. Even with the job I have as a high risk OB sonographer, (where I see extremely sad situations all the time), I was still hopeful, or at least cautiously optimistic.

Soon after the positive pregnancy test, there were a few signs that pointed to a possibly unsuccessful pregnancy. Eventually, I found out that this was a tubal ectopic pregnancy. I completely fell apart. I was rushed to the hospital for surgery.

We chose this baby's first name after my pawpaw's father, (to whom my mother's middle name "Ivalene" is after) "Ivy."
The middle name is "Grace." God's grace will sustain us through it all. After we chose this name, we found out that my mawmaw's father had two sisters named Ivy and Grace. I think this baby's name was meant to be. Speaking of names, Pastor JD has been speaking on the names of God...It helped that the Sunday before I found out about the ectopic pregnancy, Pastor JD preached part 5 of "I Am." An excerpt from his sermon transcript is here:

"When you became a Christian, you took God’s name, I am. The properties of the “I am” became yours.
You became one with him. What he has you have. You became a participant in the divine nature (says Peter) an inheritor of the divine promises (says Paul). ALL THE PROMISES OF GOD are yes... for you are one with him!

When you say no to God, or falter in obedience, or cower before an assignment, because you think, “I am not ____,” you are.

What I am, you are. Stop taking my name in vain.

You say, “But God, I am so dysfunctional.” And he says, “Yet I am so complete.”

You say, “I am so deficient.” He says, “I am so sufficient.”

You say, “I am so doubtful.” He says, “I am so faithful.”

You say, “I am so sinful.” He says, “I am so graceful.”

I am so weak; but I am so strong."

I kept thinking, how will I handle another pregnancy loss? That's just it, I don't have to. He is the Great I AM.

Even though I fail everyday, Jesus is there to pick me up. I am trying to fully rely on Him. It is hard. I often feel overwhelmed and defeated, and that is often when I am trying too hard on my own.

A song that has ministered to me is "Exhale" by Plumb:
"It's okay to not be okay
This is a safe place
This is a safe place
Don't be afraid
Don't be ashamed
There's still hope here
There's still hope here

No matter what you've done or who you are
Everyone is welcome His arms

Just let go let His love wrap around you
And hold you close
Get lost in the surrender
Breathe it in until your heart breaks
Then exhale
Exhale

Spirit come tear down the walls
That only You can
That only You can
Reconcile this heart to Yours
Right now God
Right now

Just let go let His love wrap around you
And hold you close
Get lost in the surrender
Breathe it in until your heart breaks
Then exhale
Exhale

Oh God We breathe in your grace
We breathe in your grace
And exhale
Oh God we do not exist for us
But to share Your grace and love
And exhale

Oh God We breathe in your grace
We breathe in your grace
And exhale
Oh God we do not exist for us
But to share Your grace and love
And exhale

Just let go let His love wrap around you
And hold you close
Get lost in the surrender
Breathe it in until your heart breaks
Then exhale
Exhale
Exhale
Exhale
Exhale"

I have to tell myself that it is okay to not be okay and that I do not exist for myself, but for God. Just breathe, Candace.

Our original plan was to do two more IUI cycles and then if no success, I would go on continuous birth control to control the endometriosis. However, because of the ectopic, my doctor wants me on birth control for the next three months. After that, we could do another IUI, but I have an increased risk for another ectopic pregnancy. Bradd and I have a lot of praying to do.

Living in the unknown is hard for me. I would love to fast forward time to a place where we are holding a newborn in our arms, or we are embracing life as family of three, or to the time when we begin the adoption process, (we want to adopt but are still praying about the timing). I am sure anyone going through fertility treatment just wants to be at the end of it. However, I can almost hear that still, small voice telling me not to rush this process. The process of grieving, the process of waiting, and the process of listening...listening to that still, small voice in the midst of suffering.

Suffering? Compared to most people, I am not suffering at all. I almost feel guilty saying I am suffering. Perhaps I should call it a blessing. I think it is both, actually.

The positive aspect of this is that at least I had a positive pregnancy test. For that, I am grateful. I am also grateful for my son, Oliver. Oh, and of course that the ectopic was found and I am safe and healthy.

Secondary infertility is not talked about much. I do have two friends who have been battling secondary infertility much longer than I have. They have truly been an encouragement as they have and continue to demonstrate true hope in Jesus through it all. One of those friends in particular knew I was going through the IUI and she was ready at any moment to grieve with me if it was unsuccessful or rejoice with me if was successful. Her hope and joy for me to get pregnant was there even after her fertility treatments were unsuccessful. God is their "I AM" for sure.

My prayer when I was pregnant with Rhea Hope asking Jesus to help me to be satisfied with Him alone regardless if we ever have another baby, comes to my mind often. I would often pray, "Whatever it takes, Jesus, draw me closer to you." This past year has been the most difficult year of my life, but if this is my "whatever it takes" then I am grateful.

Have I truly sought Jesus through my tears? Have I truly put Him first? Have I truly become satisfied with the giver of life? No, I haven't. Have I become more aware of my sin? Have I become more aware of my need for Him? Has the gospel become more real to me? Yes.

I know God is trying to get my attention. I keep asking Him what do you want me to do? The one thing I keep hearing Him say is, "Seek me." How do I do that when I am sad and even a little angry? Oh, and sometimes jealous too. Those feelings are hard to admit, but they are there. Jesus took my sin and shame upon the cross though and He looks at me (and you) through eyes of grace. He stands at the right hand of the Father pleading our case. God's mercy has been poured out upon us- what a blessing. I must seek Him through the sadness, anger, and jealousy. Perhaps seeking Him during times like these are easier? All I know is I have to seek Him now, and with all my heart. My selfishness and idolatry has also been exposed during this time. I hope to be able to help someone else and not be so focused on my own suffering.

A close friend reminded me of the song, "Come as you are" by Crowder and the part that says,
"Earth has no sorrow that Heaven can't heal." So true. I do feel God's peace and I know He can heal our sorrow. Praise Him for that!

A scripture I memorized through this is Philippians 3:7-11, "But everything that was a gain to me, I have considered to be a loss because of Christ. More than that, I also consider everything to be a loss in view of the surpassing value of knowing Christ Jesus my Lord. Because of Him I have suffered the loss of all things and consider them filth, so that I may gain Christ and be found in Him, not having a righteousness of my own from the law, but one that is through faith in Christ—the righteousness from God based on faith. My goal is to know Him and the power of His resurrection and the fellowship of His sufferings, being conformed to His death, assuming that I will somehow reach the resurrection from among the dead."

May our hope be found in Jesus alone, and may His grace forever sustain us.

P.S. Thank-you for all of the prayers. Please continue to pray for Bradd and me, as we grieve the loss of this baby.

~Candace