If God won't fix it, then I will

"If God won’t fix it, then I will." - (from an excerpt of a blog post by Sarah Short)

A blast from the past hit us strong as we cleaned out our attic in preparation for our upcoming move. You know the feeling: dust is flying everywhere with box after box and your heart is overwhelmed from reminiscing. It can create immense feelings of joy or the opposite: a disappointed and broken heart. We want to fix it.

None of us are immune to present or past times of brokenness, even though we may wish we were. All the while, those times of joy from yesterdays of old are welcomed with open arms.

Tomorrow we will look back on today, and it will be the past. Today may just be more significant than we realize... 

As box after box came down from the attic- each bearing a weight of significance desperate to relive itself within my heart- I would feel the weight press down upon my chest...the joyful weight of memories of Oliver as a newborn baby mixed with a sorrowful weight too. Oh the bittersweet memories...as I stared as his tiny newborn clothes and thought to myself, "I wish I had held him longer." We want to fix it.

Whether or not a parent has one child, or five- I am sure we all feel those bittersweet regrets, those sorrowful disappointments, and those heartbreaking moments where we ask, "God, where are you?" 

The significance of today may just be found in Jesus alone. Although we may not know why He did what He did yesterday, or why He didn't change something for us today, or what He will one day do tomorrow: He is what's important. 

I recently read a blog post "God what are you doing with my broken heart" written by Sarah Short. Pastor JD Grear posted it on his blog, (in reference to his sermon on Jacob and Leah). 

She mentions how we are like Leah (we are "fixers") when we try to fix our broken hearts ourselves. Here is an excerpt:

"...But think about this: What if our broken hearts are God’s only way in?

What if through life’s great disappointments and sorrow – our hearts break open and allow God to come in and stitch, heal, and make new again what was once cold, tough, and callous?

What if our breakable hearts are the key to God’s unbreakable, never-stopping, never giving up, always and forever love?

In all of our heartaches, disappointments, and deep longings, we are really searching for one thing: the love of Jesus. It is his love that fills us. It is his love that carries us through whatever trials we face.

And, it is his love that will use our broken hearts – to break through our stubbornness and break down our idols so that we can see that He is our one true source of joy, approval, and love."

We cannot fix the heartache from primary infertility, secondary infertility, pregnancy loss, or even the loss of a child at any age on this earth. Only God can fix it, and even when it seems like God is NOT fixing it, He is. Although He may not fix it until we are with Him in Heaven, He will fix it.

Of course, we want to fix it ourselves. We live in a society where there seems to be a solution to every problem- often times a solution made up of idols that only give the problem a temporary fix. We must realize and submit to the one thing our brokenness is longing for: the love of Jesus. 

In the midst of all my searching, all my hoping, and all my "fixing" of the ache to have another child- even through the calling of adoption- I am left broken. Jesus is the one my soul is searching for the most- He is the lover of my soul. Even when that glorious day arrives when we welcome another child into our family, my soul will never know a greater satisfaction than knowing Jesus intimately.

We must hand our weighty blasts from the past over to Jesus, for He knows our yesterdays, todays, and tomorrows. Whatever is hidden in the attic of our hearts, that is in need of being fixed, may we shake off the dust and hand each box of disappointment to Jesus.

Please pray for wisdom, patience, peace and for God's will to be done in the expansion of our family. We are continuing with the adoption process, but would love prayer that we do everything in the Lord's timing and not our own.

James 1:2

"Count it all joy, my brothers, when you meet trials of various kinds, for you know that the testing of your faith produces steadfastness."

Plans Change

"As the heavens are higher than the earth,

so are my ways higher than your ways

and my thoughts than your thoughts." Isaiah 55:9

Our plan after the ectopic pregnancy was to adopt from the Philippines. It would take 3-4 years, which would give us time to raise money and allow me to start and finish PA school. We had a plan. 

We found out if I went to PA school, we would no longer qualify to adopt from the Philippines. I decided not to pursue PA school, (for additional reasons not just the adoption). Now I was concerned about how I would continue to perform my job physically though. Plans change.

We were getting close to completing the paperwork for our home study, and we had already began working on the dossier. We had a plan. 

After researching the school Oliver was zoned to for kindergarten next year, we decided the best decision would be to enroll him in the school his cousins go to in Wilson, NC. We had always wanted to build our dream home on my father-in-law's land in Sims, NC, (but chose not to because of my job in Durham). When I found out about a job opening at Duke Perinatal Raleigh, we went for it. This job also had great potential of being easier on my shoulders/arms. We had a plan.

Because we were selling our house, the home study would be delayed. We found out the Philippines require a three bedroom house if you already have one child, but renting a three bedroom house was not possible. The doors to adopting a child from the Philippines slowly began to close. Plans change.

After putting the adoption on hold, Bradd mentioned the idea of trying to get pregnant again. At that same time, I was a feeling a stirring in my heart to try again too. We had a plan.

We had our second IUI (Intrauterine Insemination) with Clomid in February 2016. I had two mature follicles on my right ovary. This was an answer to prayer, since the ectopic was on the left side.

However, it was unsuccessful. 

We found out we were not pregnant.

We thought this was God's plan...that all of the changes in our lives were leading up to this moment: a successful pregnancy.

Christ is better.

I must admit that when the pregnancy test was negative, I punched the bed pretty hard. I laid next to Bradd and cried, (he might have to). Even though I trust that God has a plan far better than our own, secondary infertility still hurts. Before this happened, we had been reading the book of Job as a church, and I think that really puts things in perspective for anyone going through trials in life. I know several friends going through secondary infertility and some primary infertility. Their faith is always encouraging. I definitely have my low moments, but they (along with family and our precious Lord and Savior) are there to help lift me up.

I pray this blog is an encouragement to someone else, just as I have been encouraged by blogs in the past. After all, infertility / pregnancy loss is all too common...but as a friend shared with me this week, it is for a reason! 

As far as our plans with the adoption, Bradd and I are praying about domestic infant adoption, (the number of bedrooms does not matter). We are also praying about foster to adopt, as well as adopting from adoptuskids.org (children available for adoption in the foster care system). 

For a long time I felt led to adopt an older child who was waiting for a home, versus a baby for whom there are multiple waiting families. It was not until we found out about not qualifying to adopt internationally and going through our second IUI that my heart became open to domestic infant adoption.

I remember the days when I used to volunteer at crisis pregnancy centers and briefly counsel women after their ultrasound about the option of adoption. Bradd and I have always been pro life and we feel adopting an infant is helping to put our faith in action. 

We also still feel led to an older child too, (but younger than Oliver). We just don't know the route God will lead us on. 

I am asking Jesus to help me remain in His hope and grace during this time. I really do believe He is teaching me to abide in His grace and be satisfied that my hope is in Him and not in my dreams of a bigger family. Speaking of hope and grace, that reminds me of Rhea Hope and Ivy Grace...

We can look back without regret that we did not give up on getting pregnant too soon, (as in we attempted another IUI). After all, soon after we decided to pursue adoption, I had a vision of a little girl with soft light brown curls standing in front of me. I knew it was my daughter. I gasped and the tears flowed down my face. I asked God, "Is that the daughter we are giving up if we don't try to get pregnant again?" Then, a peace came over me and I felt strongly that the little girl was in Heaven- it was either Rhea Hope or Ivy Grace. Regardless of who the little girl was- I can now look back peacefully with no regrets. 

In the moments leading up to our decision to try another IUI, I can tell you beyond a shadow of a doubt, that God was leading us. Up until that point, I did not desire to try to get pregnant again, (although the yearn to nurse another baby will always be there). My heart was set on adoption. Once we decided to try again, everything seemed to happen quickly and peacefully. Even though we did not get pregnant, I can still look back and know that God was and is in control.

We are also extremely blessed to have been given our precious Oliver who was loaned to us from our Heavenly Father who gives good gifts. 

Plans change. God does not. His goodness is never failing. All glory be to God for He alone satisfies our soul, (I am still learning to live out that promise- a promise that demands I give my plans to God and let go of my own dreams). 

"'For I know the plans I have for you,' declares the LORD, 'plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.'" Jeremiah 29:11

Song lyrics by Lauren Daigle:

"Trust In You"

Letting go of every single dream

I lay each one down at Your feet 

Every moment of my wandering

Never changes what You see

I’ve tried to win this war I confess

My hands are weary I need Your rest

Mighty Warrior, King of the fight

No matter what I face, You’re by my side

When You don’t move the mountains I’m needing You to move

When You don’t part the waters I wish I could walk through

When You don’t give the answers as I cry out to You

I will trust, I will trust, I will trust in You!

Truth is, You know what tomorrow brings 

There’s not a day ahead You have not seen

So, in all things be my life and breath

I want what You want Lord and nothing less

When You don’t move the mountains I’m needing You to move

When You don’t part the waters I wish I could walk through

When You don’t give the answers as I cry out to You

I will trust, I will trust, I will trust in You!

You are my strength and comfort

You are my steady hand

You are my firm foundation; the rock on which I stand

Your ways are always higher

Your plans are always good

There’s not a place where I’ll go, You’ve not already stood

When You don’t move the mountains I’m needing You to move

When You don’t part the waters I wish I could walk through

When You don’t give the answers as I cry out to You

I will trust, I will trust, I will trust in You!

I will trust in You!

I will trust in You!

I will trust in You!

A Fertile Field

9 

You know how sometimes you read a passage in the Bible and it just totally comes alive? Like as if it were literally jumping off of the page and into your heart? I will admit, this does not happen to me as often as I would like. Mostly because I think I read too fast and not nearly enough. Well, these words I read seemed to leap into my heart! Praise the Lord!

Here is the passage, (Isaiah 32:9-20):

"Rise up, you women who are at ease,

And hear my voice;
Give ear to my word,
You complacent daughters.
10 Within a year and a few days
You will be troubled, O complacent daughters;
For the vintage is ended,
And the fruit gathering will not come.
11 Tremble, you women who are at ease;
Be troubled, you complacent daughters;
Strip, undress and put sackcloth on your waist,
12 Beat your breasts for the pleasant fields, for the fruitful vine,
13 For the land of my people in which thorns and briars shall come up;
Yea, for all the joyful houses and forthe jubilant city.
14 Because the palace has been abandoned, the populated city forsaken.
Hill and watch-tower have become caves forever,
A delight for wild donkeys, a pasture for flocks;
15 Until the Spirit is poured out upon us from on high,
And the wilderness becomes a fertile field,
And the fertile field is considered as a forest.
16 Then justice will dwell in the wilderness
And righteousness will abide in the fertile field.
17 And the work of righteousness will be peace,
And the service of righteousness, quietness and confidence forever.
18 Then my people will live in a peaceful habitation,
And in secure dwellings and in undisturbed resting places;
19 And it will hail when the forest comes down,
And the city will be utterly laid low.
20 How blessed will you be, you who sow beside all waters,
Who let out freely the ox and the donkey."

Who are the women at ease? Why were they being asked to rise up? I am no Bible scholar, but it seems these women had hearts that were far from Jesus. From what I have researched regarding this passage, these women were full of idolatry and carelessness. They were at ease with living for themselves and remaining in their sin.

As the passage continues, these women are warned that trouble will soon encroach upon them. They are urged to mourn. They are commanded to be troubled. This was a major wake up call for them. However, why would they be asked to be troubled? Maybe these women were so caught up in their idolatry that they were blind to both the inner and outer turmoil taking place. Something had to happen for God to get their attention...

The passage seems to indicate that there is no peace or fruitfulness until the Spirit is poured out. One commenter says it this way, "True satisfaction is only to be had in true religion." As I read that statement I recalled my prayer when I first become pregnant with Rhea Hope in Fall 2014, "Jesus, help me to be satisfied with you and you alone. Even if this pregnancy fails and we never get pregnant again, be my joy and satisfaction." 

I am one of those women. I have been at ease and complacent with my own sin many times. What I love about this passage is how it says peace will not come until the Spirit is poured out. Will you join with me in prayer that His spirit will be
poured out upon woman (and men) everywhere? The passage also mentions how the wilderness will become a fertile field. A wilderness is often a dry, weary land full of unknown and people wandering around lost. Can you imagine the Holy Spirit leading all those wandering people out of the wilderness?

 "A fertile field." When I consider fertility, I always think of physically fertility.
 Obviously this passage is about spiritual fertility. May the wilderness of infertility that so many women struggle with be filled peace, confidence,
 and rest. In the same way, may our spiritual infertility become a fertile field of peace, confidence, and rest as we are filled with the Holy Spirit. 

I recently read a few posts of a blog by "Caroline In Due Time." She has struggled with primary infertility for about three years or so. Her and her husband decided not to pursue fertility treatment and to trust that God will give them a child "in due time." What an amazing testimony of a woman not at ease and not complacent with living for herself...a woman full of peace, confidence, and rest in her savior. Obviously, she goes through hard times, (she is very real and open in her blog), but she continues to trust and I believe she is truly satisfied in Jesus.

"And the fertile field is considered as a forest." I am praying for women everywhere that they will experience spiritual and physical fertility and the Holy Spirit will be poured out upon us all! May we look forward in whatever field we are in. May the snow fall of His presence fall upon us as we follow in His footsteps wherever He leads us. May our hearts be cleansed white as snow and may complacency be trampled and left behind as we are filled with His peace, confidence, and rest- even in what may seem the longest and coldest Winter ever.