If God won't fix it, then I will

"If God won’t fix it, then I will." - (from an excerpt of a blog post by Sarah Short)

A blast from the past hit us strong as we cleaned out our attic in preparation for our upcoming move. You know the feeling: dust is flying everywhere with box after box and your heart is overwhelmed from reminiscing. It can create immense feelings of joy or the opposite: a disappointed and broken heart. We want to fix it.

None of us are immune to present or past times of brokenness, even though we may wish we were. All the while, those times of joy from yesterdays of old are welcomed with open arms.

Tomorrow we will look back on today, and it will be the past. Today may just be more significant than we realize... 

As box after box came down from the attic- each bearing a weight of significance desperate to relive itself within my heart- I would feel the weight press down upon my chest...the joyful weight of memories of Oliver as a newborn baby mixed with a sorrowful weight too. Oh the bittersweet memories...as I stared as his tiny newborn clothes and thought to myself, "I wish I had held him longer." We want to fix it.

Whether or not a parent has one child, or five- I am sure we all feel those bittersweet regrets, those sorrowful disappointments, and those heartbreaking moments where we ask, "God, where are you?" 

The significance of today may just be found in Jesus alone. Although we may not know why He did what He did yesterday, or why He didn't change something for us today, or what He will one day do tomorrow: He is what's important. 

I recently read a blog post "God what are you doing with my broken heart" written by Sarah Short. Pastor JD Grear posted it on his blog, (in reference to his sermon on Jacob and Leah). 

She mentions how we are like Leah (we are "fixers") when we try to fix our broken hearts ourselves. Here is an excerpt:

"...But think about this: What if our broken hearts are God’s only way in?

What if through life’s great disappointments and sorrow – our hearts break open and allow God to come in and stitch, heal, and make new again what was once cold, tough, and callous?

What if our breakable hearts are the key to God’s unbreakable, never-stopping, never giving up, always and forever love?

In all of our heartaches, disappointments, and deep longings, we are really searching for one thing: the love of Jesus. It is his love that fills us. It is his love that carries us through whatever trials we face.

And, it is his love that will use our broken hearts – to break through our stubbornness and break down our idols so that we can see that He is our one true source of joy, approval, and love."

We cannot fix the heartache from primary infertility, secondary infertility, pregnancy loss, or even the loss of a child at any age on this earth. Only God can fix it, and even when it seems like God is NOT fixing it, He is. Although He may not fix it until we are with Him in Heaven, He will fix it.

Of course, we want to fix it ourselves. We live in a society where there seems to be a solution to every problem- often times a solution made up of idols that only give the problem a temporary fix. We must realize and submit to the one thing our brokenness is longing for: the love of Jesus. 

In the midst of all my searching, all my hoping, and all my "fixing" of the ache to have another child- even through the calling of adoption- I am left broken. Jesus is the one my soul is searching for the most- He is the lover of my soul. Even when that glorious day arrives when we welcome another child into our family, my soul will never know a greater satisfaction than knowing Jesus intimately.

We must hand our weighty blasts from the past over to Jesus, for He knows our yesterdays, todays, and tomorrows. Whatever is hidden in the attic of our hearts, that is in need of being fixed, may we shake off the dust and hand each box of disappointment to Jesus.

Please pray for wisdom, patience, peace and for God's will to be done in the expansion of our family. We are continuing with the adoption process, but would love prayer that we do everything in the Lord's timing and not our own.

James 1:2

"Count it all joy, my brothers, when you meet trials of various kinds, for you know that the testing of your faith produces steadfastness."