Fall Feelings

Someone kindly asked me the other day if I have anymore children, or is Oliver the only one. Without hesitation, I answered, "I have two in heaven." 

More often than not, when someone asks me a question like that, I give a generalized answer and do not mention my pregnancy losses. 

However, I was happy I honored our two babies in Heaven in that moment...

It's Fall y'all!  A season of change that often brings with it colorful anticipation of what is to come. At least for me, especially as a child, Fall means one season closer to Christmas! The crisp cool weather is marvelous.

I just love all things Fall. 

Well, most things. There is one thing I do not love as much.

That feeling...

For the past two years, at this same time of year, I was about to find out I was pregnant. The leaves were beginning to change color, and a baby was beginning to form. My heart was full of colorful anticipation of what was to come. But just as the leaves began to fall and the trees were becoming bare, my anticipation of another baby being born fell too. And my heart was bare.

Here we are two years since our first miscarriage (Rhea Hope) and one year since our ectopic pregnancy (Ivy Grace). And come Thanksgiving, it will be one year since we announced where we are adopting from, (since then the "where" has changed). 

That feeling...

That feeling of disappointment knowing Oliver will not have a brother or sister any time soon; That feeling of sorrow not seeing my own baby on the ultrasound machine; That feeling of despair, thinking I have let my husband down because there is a problem with my body.

But this Fall, there is a different feeling...

Although I am not pregnant, and the adoption process is on hold, there is a feeling of redemption that has colored my heart! These colors have filled in the bare parts of my heart with a vibrant and fresh contentment. Jesus has redeemed me- that includes all those feelings of Fall I do not like as much. 

I love the book of Job and how he declares in the midst of his intense suffering, "I know that my Redeemer lives," (Job 19:25). Our other two babies may have experienced death all too soon in our eyes, but our Redeemer lives both now and forevermore! And that changes everything. You see, as Oliver says, "Jesus didn't want to die. Nails are strong and they hurt. But someone had to die. And we didn't want to die so Jesus died so we wouldn't have to."

Just as the leaves of the trees change colors every Fall, Redemption changes the hearts of those who fall down in surrender at the tree- the tree at Calvary. That tree was colored in red for all of us. Then, when He arose from the dead, the most magnificent colors of Fall we could ever imagine settled upon Him. Those colors have swept over me like a blanket. 

Glory to the One who should be disappointed in me but isn't; Glory to the One who is the Man of Sorrows, yet full of joy; Glory to the One who has never let me down no matter my problem.

That feeling of satisfaction in the One, because He is my source of hope and by His grace, I have been redeemed!

Hope and grace... 

Those are feelings of Fall I never want to forget!

Do I still feel that feeling? 

That feeling of deep loss that brings with it disappointment, sorrow, and despair. Yes, I still feel those feelings. We all have moments and days when we will feel that feeling of loss deeper than others, (especially during anniversaries of that loss). 

But I believe this is where hope and grace fall into place. 

Hope in Jesus and grace from Jesus. 

Hope in Jesus because in Him we have hope eternal. And grace from Jesus because we could never earn such a gift.

No matter how magnificent the vibrant colors of Fall are, or how bare the trees become- hope in Jesus and grace from Jesus satisfies. 

No matter how happy we are as we wait in colorful anticipation, or how sad we are as we no longer wait- hope in Jesus and grace from Jesus satisfies. 

No matter how peaceful life is as we walk through the crisp Fall air, or how overwhelming life gets as piles of leaves fill our yards- hope in Jesus and grace from Jesus satisfies.

To honor Rhea Hope and Ivy Grace, I found this necklace yesterday. I had been looking for a while, and once Fall came, I was desperate to find something now...to have something tangible to remember them by, (and I must say praise the Lord for the 85% discount I received).

The blue topaz is Oliver's birthstone (December). The lavender is Rhea Hope's "birthstone" (due date for him/her was in June). The emerald is Ivy Grace's "birthstone" (due date for him/her was in May). 

Job 8:21, "He will once again fill your mouth with laughter and your lips with shouts of joy."

Happy Fall y'all!

Love,

Candace