Faith

Sometimes God uses the faith of others in the most miraculous ways...

Luke 5:17-20:

“One day while Jesus was teaching, some Pharisees and teachers of religious law were sitting nearby. (It seemed that these men showed up from every village in all Galilee and Judea, as well as from Jerusalem.) And the Lord’s healing power was strongly with Jesus. Some men came carrying a paralyzed man on a sleeping mat. They tried to take him inside to Jesus, but they couldn’t reach him because of the crowd. So they went up to the roof and took off some tiles. Then they lowered the sick man on his mat down into the crowd, right in front of Jesus. Seeing their faith, Jesus said to the man, ‘Young man, your sins are forgiven.’”

In the Fall of 2017, a coworker and patient both told me something...the same something. They prayed for me and told me they believed I would be pregnant by December 2017. 

I was on continuous birth control because of endometriosis. During the first week of December my coworker prayed again that God would give us a baby. This time he said if I wanted a baby, I have to take action and prepare for that to happen. 

I thought about his prayer and what he said, about taking action. Did that mean God wanted me to stop taking the pill and step out in faith? I talked to my husband and we were both hesitant. However, because two separate people told us similar things and believed in faith for us, we decided to step out...

...Oliver is going to be a big brother!

It had snowed the day I found out I was pregnant, so this is how I told my husband the news.

That first week in December I stopped taking the pill, and God answered those prayers my coworker and patient prayed. 

Oliver's sibling is due in September! Praise the Lord! To God be the glory! 

If you ever feel compelled to pray for someone, please do. It could change their lives. God could bring about their miracle...through your prayer. 

This picture was taken in Fall of 2017 

Custom Built

We are beyond grateful to be in the process of building our dream home on family land. Obtaining the construction loan felt like a beautiful mess at times. It still feels like I could pinch myself and wake up from a dream! 

As the foundation was laid and the walls are being placed, my heart is full of excitement. I cannot help but ponder how the build of our home compares to what Christ is building in all of us through our own journeys.

A solid foundation is key to building a home. Our foundation must be built upon Jesus Christ in order to withstand the storms of life. James 1:2-4 says, "Consider it pure joy, my brothers and sisters, whenever you face trials of many kinds, because you know that the testing of your faith produces perseverance. Let perseverance finish its work so that you may be mature and complete, not lacking anything." 

Over the past three years, one thing God was building inside of me is the life lesson that I am not in control. Truly learning that has brought about a new kind of joy...a joy likened to the sureness of sunshine after a storm.

God is the master builder. He has the master plans. Although He does not show us the blueprints for our lives, nor does He always give us answers for why, He does give us a promise. 

We were elated the day we officially closed on our construction loan. We promised the bank we would pay them back for the loan and our builder made promises as well. We all trusted each other to keep our promise. 

God gives us promises throughout the Bible. One of His promises is to love us unconditionally.

2 Peter 3:9 declares, "The Lord is not slow in keeping his promise, as some understand slowness. Instead he is patient with you, not wanting anyone to perish, but everyone to come to repentance." 

Building a dream home takes time. What our God is building inside of us takes time too. What is He building inside of you? 

I can tell you He is building something beautiful. He is building something sturdy and precious...something that won't fall apart over time. He is etching into your soul the heart of a warrior. He is fighting for you and working from the inside out. He is guiding you too.

For us, and most people I would assume, getting to the place of being able to begin the building process was somewhat of a battle. All the saving, paperwork, phone calls, and meetings took determination. 

Jesus is determined to build His dream inside of you. Ask Him for patience. Ask Him for joy. And you know what? If patience and joy doesn't come right away it's okay. He is patient with us. He loves us unconditionally. 

Whatever you do, don't beat yourself up during the building process. After all, God loves us unconditionally. Ask God to fight for you. In the end, you will look back and say, "What a beautiful mess."  

After all, YOU are custom built...

In Him,

Candace 

No More Sorrow

 

"No more sorrow" was the title of the filter in this picture.

Jesus has taken away my sorrow! There was a physical downpour during most of our vacation, and I believe a spiritual one too! Jesus welcomes our questions about life and He holds us just as a child squeezes their favorite toys. Thank you Jesus for showering me with your presence through our miracle child whose gaze at life encourages me to gaze upon you! Five years ago, I was six weeks pregnant with this little miracle. Little did I know, at five and half years old, this little miracle would take me on a journey of finding true satisfaction in Jesus alone.

Little I did I know that all my efforts of having another child (fertility treatments and adoption) would fail. Little did I know the blessing that was in store through the questioning, the silence, and the downpour of depression. Little did I know those long eyelashes I noticed when I first gazed upon his face would be a constant reminder of God's long lasting faithfulness. I always thought he needed a sibling to journey through life with. Now, I am realizing he has everything he needs with Jesus by his side. So when our son questions the complexities of life, we can tell him to ask Jesus, and we will know he will be held tightly. Jesus has heard my prayer and He hears your too! He is still the God of miracles! I believe all babies are miracles. However, when you go through any form of infertility or pregnancy loss, I believe the miracle of a baby becomes more meaningful. I also believe finding satisfaction in Jesus is a miracle too. 

    "Help me, O Lord my God. Save me according to   your steadfast love!
27 Let them know that this is your hand..." 

Psalm 109:26-27

 

 

Thank you Jesus for rescuing us from sin and sorrow. You are our lifeboat!

Fall Apart, Start Again

I thought I would share some research about secondary infertility in case anyone reading this is going through it, (scroll to the end to read excerpts from articles I found online). 

 

"Gracious words are a honeycomb,
sweet to the soul and healing to the bones." Proverbs 16:24

I am thankful for the gracious words of so many  and oh how truly sweet to the soul they are! 

Our five year old son, Oliver, loves honey bees! He even has a "Brother Bee" that lives in our backyard. Just as bees seek honey, my soul has been searching...even questioning everything in the core of my being. 

Through questioning everything in my core, one question remains, "Is my desire to have another child an idol in my heart?"

 

Psalm 19:14 is my Mawmaw's favorite Bible verse. She actually helped Pawpaw write some of his sermons that I share on Instagram. 

What a joy that Oliver knows her...

 

"...the meditation of my heart be acceptable..." Is this yearning in my heart pleasing to the Lord? 

On Mother's Day, I sat at Mawmaw's feet as she encouraged me to trust in the Lord, even when we do not understand what He is doing. She said, "How can this not be God's will?" (referring to the little girl who lived with us), then went on to add, "We think something is God's will when it seems obvious, but when it isn't, we just have to trust Him." I cannot word it as eloquently as Mawmaw did, 

but what she said is in my heart. I must trust God when He doesn't make sense. 

This is part of a message I received from a dear friend after reaching out for support:

"I believe that while our passions and aches of heart can get out of hand, they are God driven and part of our calling. They can become idols, yes, but they are good at their core. I think it is just up to us to prayerfully consider how to engage those passions and how to feed our hearts. There is nothing wrong with wanting to be a mom and to raise up Godly little creatures... It doesn't mean you are being sinful for feeling that your calling is not yet fulfilled. I think it means to more prayerfully consider what does motherhood look like for you."

When I prayfully consider what motherhood looks like for me, I am consumed. Am I consumed with Jesus or consumed with the desire to fulfill what I believe my calling is? At the core of my being, I realize I have been consumed with the desire to fulfill my calling. Oh Jesus, help me. 

 

10 

"I am losing all hope;
    I am paralyzed with fear.
 I remember the days of old.
    I ponder all your great works
    and think about what you have done.
 I lift my hands to you in prayer.
    I thirst for you as parched land thirsts for rain. 

 Come quickly, Lord, and answer me,
    for my depression deepens.
Don’t turn away from me,
    or I will die.
 Let me hear of your unfailing love each morning,
    for I am trusting you.
Show me where to walk,
    for I give myself to you.
 Rescue me from my enemies, Lord;
    I run to you to hide me.
Teach me to do your will,
    for you are my God.
May your gracious Spirit lead me forward
    on a firm footing.
For the glory of your name, O Lord, preserve my life.
    Because of your faithfulness, bring me out of this distress.
 In your unfailing love, silence all my enemies
    and destroy all my foes,
    for I am your servant." 

Psalm 143:4-12

From Resolve.com:

"The emotional side of secondary infertility

The emotional experience of secondary infertility often is a compilation of the distressing feelings of anger, grief, depression, isolation, guilt, jealousy, self-blame, and being out of control. You may feel guilty for experiencing normal grief and worry about how your current emotional state will affect your existing child. The powerlessness to produce a sibling for the existing child often produces feelings of sorrow, as does the inability to perpetuate the parenting role. You may feel distant from friends as those who were a great source of support when parenting the first child are now linked to sensations of pain and jealously.

Sadly, couples with secondary infertility tend to receive less social support from others than couples who have primary infertility because the infertility is unacknowledged, the pain associated with infertility is invisible as the couple has a child, and there is no concrete loss in the family. In addition, couples experiencing secondary infertility may be recipients of criticism by others who think they should be grateful for one child and that it is foolish to go to extremes to increase family size. Of course, a couple can be extraordinarily thankful for their existing child and still long for more children.

I’m still a parent. How do I cope?

Unlike in primary infertility, couples who experience secondary infertility already have a child's needs and welfare to consider. It is important for parents to demonstrate to their child that problems are dealt with and not buried. It is naïve to think that a child will remain unaware of her parents' grief just because the parents do not talk about it or address it directly. In fact, if there is an absence of information, children resort to egocentricism and magical thinking to interpret events. For example, the child may be worried seeing the mother go to the doctor, getting shots etc. or the child may think her parents are dissatisfied with her if they are upset and anxious. The young child does not have the cognitive capability to understand her parents' actions and feelings as separate from herself, and, therefore, needs an explanation for her parents' melancholy. In addition to helping the existing child appreciate the parents' emotions, parents must help the child identify his own experiences and 
feelings.

Guilt about not providing the existing child with a sibling is a common experience of couples suffering from secondary infertility, as they feel they are failing their child. Many couples idealize the sibling relationship by believing the siblings would be emotionally close. Of course, there is no guarantee about any sibling relationship, and the existing child should not be burdened by the loss of this idealized relationship. It is crucial for parents to acknowledge and mourn the loss and then to legitimize the existing family. Families come in all shapes and sizes, even size three.

It is a cruel irony that the more positively parents feel about parenting, the more painful is their experience of secondary infertility. Many parents have expressed ambivalent feelings about their child growing up because they fear they will never re-experience the pleasure of the early years. In addition, parents may become overly protective and attentive to their existing child. In the face of loss, parents want to hang on to what they have and love. Of course, these parental feelings must be kept in balance with the growing child's needs for separation and independence.

Finding Resolution

The resolution of secondary infertility brings many variables into the decision making process. The couple must focus on the desire to parent a second child and the time, energy, and finances involved in pursuing medical treatment or alternatives such as adoption. These conditions must be weighed with the needs of the existing child in mind. Couples often are concerned whether or not they will continue to be good parents in light of the emotional and financial stresses associated with treatment. Sometimes, in grieving the loss, couples find there are advantages, such as more time and more resources, associated with having one child.

Couples often need assistance from professionals and/or support groups as they struggle with the turmoil of secondary infertility. Grieving what might have been is not an easy task, and couples often benefit from the contributions and support of others grappling with the same circumstances. If the grieving process extends for a long period of time, and symptoms of depression exist for more than six months, the help of a mental health professional with experience in reproductive medicine should be sought. With respect to secondary infertility the ultimate goal is to grieve the loss of a child, decide to pursue medical treatment or alternative family building options, or to embrace the established family as it exists. With resolution comes the reclamation of life." ~ http://www.resolve.org/about-infertility/medical-conditions/secondary-infertility.html

From Seleni.org:

Coping With Secondary Infertility

How to manage very normal emotions that few people understand

by Anne Machalinski

"What makes secondary infertility different
'Many women going through secondary infertility have a vision of what their family is going to look like,' says Leslee Murphy, LCSW, a psychotherapist who specializes in women's health and is a consultant for Houston IVF. When that doesn't happen, they go through all sorts of complicated and conflicting emotions tied to this loss of control... 'While they want to be in the moment and enjoy the child that they have, there's also this pull to continue their quest of having that second child,' says Murphy.

Talk to your child in an age-appropriate way. If they're old enough, your child has probably noticed that you're away a lot and can see that you're upset, says Murphy. Rather than worry about them feeling that they're not enough, which can add onto your guilt, address what's going on in an age-appropriate way. 'Kids need reassurance,' Murphy says. 'Be open and honest. Say that you want another child because you love [him] so much, and that sometimes doctors can help with this.'" ~https://www.seleni.org/advice-support/article/coping-with-secondary-infertility

////////////////////////////

 This  blog started out as a documentary of Oliver's precious life. Once Instagram came about (and especially Chatbooks), I began documenting everything here: 

https://www.instagram.com/olivemeluvsoliveu/

 

Love,

Candace

The Parade of Life

In reference to my last post, the little girl who was living with us went back home to live with her guardians. 

She had been living with us full time for about a month and a half. This will be another adjustment for everyone involved.

We are truly blessed to have had her live with us for the short time she did, and we are truly blessed with our family of three. 

We see life as bystanders in a parade, while God sees the entire parade. We watch moment by moment. 

After all, that is what this precious little girl taught us to do...to live life one day at a time.

For the past few days, I have had many people encourage me who had no idea what was going on. From complete strangers, (see picture below) to coworkers I see everyday...I have felt the presence of Jesus through these people. 

Here is a note I found on the windshield of my car a few days ago:

Psalm 125:2, "The Lord surrounds His people, both now and forever."

A dear friend gave us this frame pictured below with "Joy" inside. She said one day we can replace it 
with a picture of our family after we adopt. She wanted us to choose joy in the waiting.

The picture of joy may never be replaced. Whether it is or isn't, we must "Rise up and Pray," and choose joy. 

After all, who doesn't love a parade? Especially one where Jesus is waiting at the end. 

"In the Messiah, in Christ, God leads us from place to place in one perpetual victory parade," from the Message Book. 

We cannot share details publicly, but we do covet your prayers for this sweet little girl, her family, and ours as well.

We also hope your Mother's Day is a blessed one, no matter where you are in your journey of motherhood.

 

Blooming

 

"The grass withers and the flowers fade, but the word of our God stands forever."

-Isaiah 40:8

Oliver hands a flower to a little girl we hope will be his sister one day...

Although we cannot share the details of this God-sized story publicly, we wanted to announce that the Nichols household is blooming this Spring with a new addition!

We will be her primary caregivers. 

We pray for God's will ultimately in this situation. Just as grass withers and flowers fade, we do not know what tomorrow will bring. What we do know is the word of God is permanent. That is something we can always hold onto.

The little girl accepts the flower, and this boy's hand to hold...

 

...as they embrace each other while she transitions into a new home. 

  

Fall Feelings

Someone kindly asked me the other day if I have anymore children, or is Oliver the only one. Without hesitation, I answered, "I have two in heaven." 

More often than not, when someone asks me a question like that, I give a generalized answer and do not mention my pregnancy losses. 

However, I was happy I honored our two babies in Heaven in that moment...

It's Fall y'all!  A season of change that often brings with it colorful anticipation of what is to come. At least for me, especially as a child, Fall means one season closer to Christmas! The crisp cool weather is marvelous.

I just love all things Fall. 

Well, most things. There is one thing I do not love as much.

That feeling...

For the past two years, at this same time of year, I was about to find out I was pregnant. The leaves were beginning to change color, and a baby was beginning to form. My heart was full of colorful anticipation of what was to come. But just as the leaves began to fall and the trees were becoming bare, my anticipation of another baby being born fell too. And my heart was bare.

Here we are two years since our first miscarriage (Rhea Hope) and one year since our ectopic pregnancy (Ivy Grace). And come Thanksgiving, it will be one year since we announced where we are adopting from, (since then the "where" has changed). 

That feeling...

That feeling of disappointment knowing Oliver will not have a brother or sister any time soon; That feeling of sorrow not seeing my own baby on the ultrasound machine; That feeling of despair, thinking I have let my husband down because there is a problem with my body.

But this Fall, there is a different feeling...

Although I am not pregnant, and the adoption process is on hold, there is a feeling of redemption that has colored my heart! These colors have filled in the bare parts of my heart with a vibrant and fresh contentment. Jesus has redeemed me- that includes all those feelings of Fall I do not like as much. 

I love the book of Job and how he declares in the midst of his intense suffering, "I know that my Redeemer lives," (Job 19:25). Our other two babies may have experienced death all too soon in our eyes, but our Redeemer lives both now and forevermore! And that changes everything. You see, as Oliver says, "Jesus didn't want to die. Nails are strong and they hurt. But someone had to die. And we didn't want to die so Jesus died so we wouldn't have to."

Just as the leaves of the trees change colors every Fall, Redemption changes the hearts of those who fall down in surrender at the tree- the tree at Calvary. That tree was colored in red for all of us. Then, when He arose from the dead, the most magnificent colors of Fall we could ever imagine settled upon Him. Those colors have swept over me like a blanket. 

Glory to the One who should be disappointed in me but isn't; Glory to the One who is the Man of Sorrows, yet full of joy; Glory to the One who has never let me down no matter my problem.

That feeling of satisfaction in the One, because He is my source of hope and by His grace, I have been redeemed!

Hope and grace... 

Those are feelings of Fall I never want to forget!

Do I still feel that feeling? 

That feeling of deep loss that brings with it disappointment, sorrow, and despair. Yes, I still feel those feelings. We all have moments and days when we will feel that feeling of loss deeper than others, (especially during anniversaries of that loss). 

But I believe this is where hope and grace fall into place. 

Hope in Jesus and grace from Jesus. 

Hope in Jesus because in Him we have hope eternal. And grace from Jesus because we could never earn such a gift.

No matter how magnificent the vibrant colors of Fall are, or how bare the trees become- hope in Jesus and grace from Jesus satisfies. 

No matter how happy we are as we wait in colorful anticipation, or how sad we are as we no longer wait- hope in Jesus and grace from Jesus satisfies. 

No matter how peaceful life is as we walk through the crisp Fall air, or how overwhelming life gets as piles of leaves fill our yards- hope in Jesus and grace from Jesus satisfies.

To honor Rhea Hope and Ivy Grace, I found this necklace yesterday. I had been looking for a while, and once Fall came, I was desperate to find something now...to have something tangible to remember them by, (and I must say praise the Lord for the 85% discount I received).

The blue topaz is Oliver's birthstone (December). The lavender is Rhea Hope's "birthstone" (due date for him/her was in June). The emerald is Ivy Grace's "birthstone" (due date for him/her was in May). 

Job 8:21, "He will once again fill your mouth with laughter and your lips with shouts of joy."

Happy Fall y'all!

Love,

Candace

If God won't fix it, then I will

"If God won’t fix it, then I will." - (from an excerpt of a blog post by Sarah Short)

A blast from the past hit us strong as we cleaned out our attic in preparation for our upcoming move. You know the feeling: dust is flying everywhere with box after box and your heart is overwhelmed from reminiscing. It can create immense feelings of joy or the opposite: a disappointed and broken heart. We want to fix it.

None of us are immune to present or past times of brokenness, even though we may wish we were. All the while, those times of joy from yesterdays of old are welcomed with open arms.

Tomorrow we will look back on today, and it will be the past. Today may just be more significant than we realize... 

As box after box came down from the attic- each bearing a weight of significance desperate to relive itself within my heart- I would feel the weight press down upon my chest...the joyful weight of memories of Oliver as a newborn baby mixed with a sorrowful weight too. Oh the bittersweet memories...as I stared as his tiny newborn clothes and thought to myself, "I wish I had held him longer." We want to fix it.

Whether or not a parent has one child, or five- I am sure we all feel those bittersweet regrets, those sorrowful disappointments, and those heartbreaking moments where we ask, "God, where are you?" 

The significance of today may just be found in Jesus alone. Although we may not know why He did what He did yesterday, or why He didn't change something for us today, or what He will one day do tomorrow: He is what's important. 

I recently read a blog post "God what are you doing with my broken heart" written by Sarah Short. Pastor JD Grear posted it on his blog, (in reference to his sermon on Jacob and Leah). 

She mentions how we are like Leah (we are "fixers") when we try to fix our broken hearts ourselves. Here is an excerpt:

"...But think about this: What if our broken hearts are God’s only way in?

What if through life’s great disappointments and sorrow – our hearts break open and allow God to come in and stitch, heal, and make new again what was once cold, tough, and callous?

What if our breakable hearts are the key to God’s unbreakable, never-stopping, never giving up, always and forever love?

In all of our heartaches, disappointments, and deep longings, we are really searching for one thing: the love of Jesus. It is his love that fills us. It is his love that carries us through whatever trials we face.

And, it is his love that will use our broken hearts – to break through our stubbornness and break down our idols so that we can see that He is our one true source of joy, approval, and love."

We cannot fix the heartache from primary infertility, secondary infertility, pregnancy loss, or even the loss of a child at any age on this earth. Only God can fix it, and even when it seems like God is NOT fixing it, He is. Although He may not fix it until we are with Him in Heaven, He will fix it.

Of course, we want to fix it ourselves. We live in a society where there seems to be a solution to every problem- often times a solution made up of idols that only give the problem a temporary fix. We must realize and submit to the one thing our brokenness is longing for: the love of Jesus. 

In the midst of all my searching, all my hoping, and all my "fixing" of the ache to have another child- even through the calling of adoption- I am left broken. Jesus is the one my soul is searching for the most- He is the lover of my soul. Even when that glorious day arrives when we welcome another child into our family, my soul will never know a greater satisfaction than knowing Jesus intimately.

We must hand our weighty blasts from the past over to Jesus, for He knows our yesterdays, todays, and tomorrows. Whatever is hidden in the attic of our hearts, that is in need of being fixed, may we shake off the dust and hand each box of disappointment to Jesus.

Please pray for wisdom, patience, peace and for God's will to be done in the expansion of our family. We are continuing with the adoption process, but would love prayer that we do everything in the Lord's timing and not our own.

James 1:2

"Count it all joy, my brothers, when you meet trials of various kinds, for you know that the testing of your faith produces steadfastness."

Plans Change

"As the heavens are higher than the earth,

so are my ways higher than your ways

and my thoughts than your thoughts." Isaiah 55:9

Our plan after the ectopic pregnancy was to adopt from the Philippines. It would take 3-4 years, which would give us time to raise money and allow me to start and finish PA school. We had a plan. 

We found out if I went to PA school, we would no longer qualify to adopt from the Philippines. I decided not to pursue PA school, (for additional reasons not just the adoption). Now I was concerned about how I would continue to perform my job physically though. Plans change.

We were getting close to completing the paperwork for our home study, and we had already began working on the dossier. We had a plan. 

After researching the school Oliver was zoned to for kindergarten next year, we decided the best decision would be to enroll him in the school his cousins go to in Wilson, NC. We had always wanted to build our dream home on my father-in-law's land in Sims, NC, (but chose not to because of my job in Durham). When I found out about a job opening at Duke Perinatal Raleigh, we went for it. This job also had great potential of being easier on my shoulders/arms. We had a plan.

Because we were selling our house, the home study would be delayed. We found out the Philippines require a three bedroom house if you already have one child, but renting a three bedroom house was not possible. The doors to adopting a child from the Philippines slowly began to close. Plans change.

After putting the adoption on hold, Bradd mentioned the idea of trying to get pregnant again. At that same time, I was a feeling a stirring in my heart to try again too. We had a plan.

We had our second IUI (Intrauterine Insemination) with Clomid in February 2016. I had two mature follicles on my right ovary. This was an answer to prayer, since the ectopic was on the left side.

However, it was unsuccessful. 

We found out we were not pregnant.

We thought this was God's plan...that all of the changes in our lives were leading up to this moment: a successful pregnancy.

Christ is better.

I must admit that when the pregnancy test was negative, I punched the bed pretty hard. I laid next to Bradd and cried, (he might have to). Even though I trust that God has a plan far better than our own, secondary infertility still hurts. Before this happened, we had been reading the book of Job as a church, and I think that really puts things in perspective for anyone going through trials in life. I know several friends going through secondary infertility and some primary infertility. Their faith is always encouraging. I definitely have my low moments, but they (along with family and our precious Lord and Savior) are there to help lift me up.

I pray this blog is an encouragement to someone else, just as I have been encouraged by blogs in the past. After all, infertility / pregnancy loss is all too common...but as a friend shared with me this week, it is for a reason! 

As far as our plans with the adoption, Bradd and I are praying about domestic infant adoption, (the number of bedrooms does not matter). We are also praying about foster to adopt, as well as adopting from adoptuskids.org (children available for adoption in the foster care system). 

For a long time I felt led to adopt an older child who was waiting for a home, versus a baby for whom there are multiple waiting families. It was not until we found out about not qualifying to adopt internationally and going through our second IUI that my heart became open to domestic infant adoption.

I remember the days when I used to volunteer at crisis pregnancy centers and briefly counsel women after their ultrasound about the option of adoption. Bradd and I have always been pro life and we feel adopting an infant is helping to put our faith in action. 

We also still feel led to an older child too, (but younger than Oliver). We just don't know the route God will lead us on. 

I am asking Jesus to help me remain in His hope and grace during this time. I really do believe He is teaching me to abide in His grace and be satisfied that my hope is in Him and not in my dreams of a bigger family. Speaking of hope and grace, that reminds me of Rhea Hope and Ivy Grace...

We can look back without regret that we did not give up on getting pregnant too soon, (as in we attempted another IUI). After all, soon after we decided to pursue adoption, I had a vision of a little girl with soft light brown curls standing in front of me. I knew it was my daughter. I gasped and the tears flowed down my face. I asked God, "Is that the daughter we are giving up if we don't try to get pregnant again?" Then, a peace came over me and I felt strongly that the little girl was in Heaven- it was either Rhea Hope or Ivy Grace. Regardless of who the little girl was- I can now look back peacefully with no regrets. 

In the moments leading up to our decision to try another IUI, I can tell you beyond a shadow of a doubt, that God was leading us. Up until that point, I did not desire to try to get pregnant again, (although the yearn to nurse another baby will always be there). My heart was set on adoption. Once we decided to try again, everything seemed to happen quickly and peacefully. Even though we did not get pregnant, I can still look back and know that God was and is in control.

We are also extremely blessed to have been given our precious Oliver who was loaned to us from our Heavenly Father who gives good gifts. 

Plans change. God does not. His goodness is never failing. All glory be to God for He alone satisfies our soul, (I am still learning to live out that promise- a promise that demands I give my plans to God and let go of my own dreams). 

"'For I know the plans I have for you,' declares the LORD, 'plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.'" Jeremiah 29:11

Song lyrics by Lauren Daigle:

"Trust In You"

Letting go of every single dream

I lay each one down at Your feet 

Every moment of my wandering

Never changes what You see

I’ve tried to win this war I confess

My hands are weary I need Your rest

Mighty Warrior, King of the fight

No matter what I face, You’re by my side

When You don’t move the mountains I’m needing You to move

When You don’t part the waters I wish I could walk through

When You don’t give the answers as I cry out to You

I will trust, I will trust, I will trust in You!

Truth is, You know what tomorrow brings 

There’s not a day ahead You have not seen

So, in all things be my life and breath

I want what You want Lord and nothing less

When You don’t move the mountains I’m needing You to move

When You don’t part the waters I wish I could walk through

When You don’t give the answers as I cry out to You

I will trust, I will trust, I will trust in You!

You are my strength and comfort

You are my steady hand

You are my firm foundation; the rock on which I stand

Your ways are always higher

Your plans are always good

There’s not a place where I’ll go, You’ve not already stood

When You don’t move the mountains I’m needing You to move

When You don’t part the waters I wish I could walk through

When You don’t give the answers as I cry out to You

I will trust, I will trust, I will trust in You!

I will trust in You!

I will trust in You!

I will trust in You!

A Fertile Field

9 

You know how sometimes you read a passage in the Bible and it just totally comes alive? Like as if it were literally jumping off of the page and into your heart? I will admit, this does not happen to me as often as I would like. Mostly because I think I read too fast and not nearly enough. Well, these words I read seemed to leap into my heart! Praise the Lord!

Here is the passage, (Isaiah 32:9-20):

"Rise up, you women who are at ease,

And hear my voice;
Give ear to my word,
You complacent daughters.
10 Within a year and a few days
You will be troubled, O complacent daughters;
For the vintage is ended,
And the fruit gathering will not come.
11 Tremble, you women who are at ease;
Be troubled, you complacent daughters;
Strip, undress and put sackcloth on your waist,
12 Beat your breasts for the pleasant fields, for the fruitful vine,
13 For the land of my people in which thorns and briars shall come up;
Yea, for all the joyful houses and forthe jubilant city.
14 Because the palace has been abandoned, the populated city forsaken.
Hill and watch-tower have become caves forever,
A delight for wild donkeys, a pasture for flocks;
15 Until the Spirit is poured out upon us from on high,
And the wilderness becomes a fertile field,
And the fertile field is considered as a forest.
16 Then justice will dwell in the wilderness
And righteousness will abide in the fertile field.
17 And the work of righteousness will be peace,
And the service of righteousness, quietness and confidence forever.
18 Then my people will live in a peaceful habitation,
And in secure dwellings and in undisturbed resting places;
19 And it will hail when the forest comes down,
And the city will be utterly laid low.
20 How blessed will you be, you who sow beside all waters,
Who let out freely the ox and the donkey."

Who are the women at ease? Why were they being asked to rise up? I am no Bible scholar, but it seems these women had hearts that were far from Jesus. From what I have researched regarding this passage, these women were full of idolatry and carelessness. They were at ease with living for themselves and remaining in their sin.

As the passage continues, these women are warned that trouble will soon encroach upon them. They are urged to mourn. They are commanded to be troubled. This was a major wake up call for them. However, why would they be asked to be troubled? Maybe these women were so caught up in their idolatry that they were blind to both the inner and outer turmoil taking place. Something had to happen for God to get their attention...

The passage seems to indicate that there is no peace or fruitfulness until the Spirit is poured out. One commenter says it this way, "True satisfaction is only to be had in true religion." As I read that statement I recalled my prayer when I first become pregnant with Rhea Hope in Fall 2014, "Jesus, help me to be satisfied with you and you alone. Even if this pregnancy fails and we never get pregnant again, be my joy and satisfaction." 

I am one of those women. I have been at ease and complacent with my own sin many times. What I love about this passage is how it says peace will not come until the Spirit is poured out. Will you join with me in prayer that His spirit will be
poured out upon woman (and men) everywhere? The passage also mentions how the wilderness will become a fertile field. A wilderness is often a dry, weary land full of unknown and people wandering around lost. Can you imagine the Holy Spirit leading all those wandering people out of the wilderness?

 "A fertile field." When I consider fertility, I always think of physically fertility.
 Obviously this passage is about spiritual fertility. May the wilderness of infertility that so many women struggle with be filled peace, confidence,
 and rest. In the same way, may our spiritual infertility become a fertile field of peace, confidence, and rest as we are filled with the Holy Spirit. 

I recently read a few posts of a blog by "Caroline In Due Time." She has struggled with primary infertility for about three years or so. Her and her husband decided not to pursue fertility treatment and to trust that God will give them a child "in due time." What an amazing testimony of a woman not at ease and not complacent with living for herself...a woman full of peace, confidence, and rest in her savior. Obviously, she goes through hard times, (she is very real and open in her blog), but she continues to trust and I believe she is truly satisfied in Jesus.

"And the fertile field is considered as a forest." I am praying for women everywhere that they will experience spiritual and physical fertility and the Holy Spirit will be poured out upon us all! May we look forward in whatever field we are in. May the snow fall of His presence fall upon us as we follow in His footsteps wherever He leads us. May our hearts be cleansed white as snow and may complacency be trampled and left behind as we are filled with His peace, confidence, and rest- even in what may seem the longest and coldest Winter ever.