Fall Feelings

Someone kindly asked me the other day if I have anymore children, or is Oliver the only one. Without hesitation, I answered, "I have two in heaven." 

More often than not, when someone asks me a question like that, I give a generalized answer and do not mention my pregnancy losses. 

However, I was happy I honored our two babies in Heaven in that moment...

It's Fall y'all!  A season of change that often brings with it colorful anticipation of what is to come. At least for me, especially as a child, Fall means one season closer to Christmas! The crisp cool weather is marvelous.

I just love all things Fall. 

Well, most things. There is one thing I do not love as much.

That feeling...

For the past two years, at this same time of year, I was about to find out I was pregnant. The leaves were beginning to change color, and a baby was beginning to form. My heart was full of colorful anticipation of what was to come. But just as the leaves began to fall and the trees were becoming bare, my anticipation of another baby being born fell too. And my heart was bare.

Here we are two years since our first miscarriage (Rhea Hope) and one year since our ectopic pregnancy (Ivy Grace). And come Thanksgiving, it will be one year since we announced where we are adopting from, (since then the "where" has changed). 

That feeling...

That feeling of disappointment knowing Oliver will not have a brother or sister any time soon; That feeling of sorrow not seeing my own baby on the ultrasound machine; That feeling of despair, thinking I have let my husband down because there is a problem with my body.

But this Fall, there is a different feeling...

Although I am not pregnant, and the adoption process is on hold, there is a feeling of redemption that has colored my heart! These colors have filled in the bare parts of my heart with a vibrant and fresh contentment. Jesus has redeemed me- that includes all those feelings of Fall I do not like as much. 

I love the book of Job and how he declares in the midst of his intense suffering, "I know that my Redeemer lives," (Job 19:25). Our other two babies may have experienced death all too soon in our eyes, but our Redeemer lives both now and forevermore! And that changes everything. You see, as Oliver says, "Jesus didn't want to die. Nails are strong and they hurt. But someone had to die. And we didn't want to die so Jesus died so we wouldn't have to."

Just as the leaves of the trees change colors every Fall, Redemption changes the hearts of those who fall down in surrender at the tree- the tree at Calvary. That tree was colored in red for all of us. Then, when He arose from the dead, the most magnificent colors of Fall we could ever imagine settled upon Him. Those colors have swept over me like a blanket. 

Glory to the One who should be disappointed in me but isn't; Glory to the One who is the Man of Sorrows, yet full of joy; Glory to the One who has never let me down no matter my problem.

That feeling of satisfaction in the One, because He is my source of hope and by His grace, I have been redeemed!

Hope and grace... 

Those are feelings of Fall I never want to forget!

Do I still feel that feeling? 

That feeling of deep loss that brings with it disappointment, sorrow, and despair. Yes, I still feel those feelings. We all have moments and days when we will feel that feeling of loss deeper than others, (especially during anniversaries of that loss). 

But I believe this is where hope and grace fall into place. 

Hope in Jesus and grace from Jesus. 

Hope in Jesus because in Him we have hope eternal. And grace from Jesus because we could never earn such a gift.

No matter how magnificent the vibrant colors of Fall are, or how bare the trees become- hope in Jesus and grace from Jesus satisfies. 

No matter how happy we are as we wait in colorful anticipation, or how sad we are as we no longer wait- hope in Jesus and grace from Jesus satisfies. 

No matter how peaceful life is as we walk through the crisp Fall air, or how overwhelming life gets as piles of leaves fill our yards- hope in Jesus and grace from Jesus satisfies.

To honor Rhea Hope and Ivy Grace, I found this necklace yesterday. I had been looking for a while, and once Fall came, I was desperate to find something now...to have something tangible to remember them by, (and I must say praise the Lord for the 85% discount I received).

The blue topaz is Oliver's birthstone (December). The lavender is Rhea Hope's "birthstone" (due date for him/her was in June). The emerald is Ivy Grace's "birthstone" (due date for him/her was in May). 

Job 8:21, "He will once again fill your mouth with laughter and your lips with shouts of joy."

Happy Fall y'all!

Love,

Candace

If God won't fix it, then I will

"If God won’t fix it, then I will." - (from an excerpt of a blog post by Sarah Short)

A blast from the past hit us strong as we cleaned out our attic in preparation for our upcoming move. You know the feeling: dust is flying everywhere with box after box and your heart is overwhelmed from reminiscing. It can create immense feelings of joy or the opposite: a disappointed and broken heart. We want to fix it.

None of us are immune to present or past times of brokenness, even though we may wish we were. All the while, those times of joy from yesterdays of old are welcomed with open arms.

Tomorrow we will look back on today, and it will be the past. Today may just be more significant than we realize... 

As box after box came down from the attic- each bearing a weight of significance desperate to relive itself within my heart- I would feel the weight press down upon my chest...the joyful weight of memories of Oliver as a newborn baby mixed with a sorrowful weight too. Oh the bittersweet memories...as I stared as his tiny newborn clothes and thought to myself, "I wish I had held him longer." We want to fix it.

Whether or not a parent has one child, or five- I am sure we all feel those bittersweet regrets, those sorrowful disappointments, and those heartbreaking moments where we ask, "God, where are you?" 

The significance of today may just be found in Jesus alone. Although we may not know why He did what He did yesterday, or why He didn't change something for us today, or what He will one day do tomorrow: He is what's important. 

I recently read a blog post "God what are you doing with my broken heart" written by Sarah Short. Pastor JD Grear posted it on his blog, (in reference to his sermon on Jacob and Leah). 

She mentions how we are like Leah (we are "fixers") when we try to fix our broken hearts ourselves. Here is an excerpt:

"...But think about this: What if our broken hearts are God’s only way in?

What if through life’s great disappointments and sorrow – our hearts break open and allow God to come in and stitch, heal, and make new again what was once cold, tough, and callous?

What if our breakable hearts are the key to God’s unbreakable, never-stopping, never giving up, always and forever love?

In all of our heartaches, disappointments, and deep longings, we are really searching for one thing: the love of Jesus. It is his love that fills us. It is his love that carries us through whatever trials we face.

And, it is his love that will use our broken hearts – to break through our stubbornness and break down our idols so that we can see that He is our one true source of joy, approval, and love."

We cannot fix the heartache from primary infertility, secondary infertility, pregnancy loss, or even the loss of a child at any age on this earth. Only God can fix it, and even when it seems like God is NOT fixing it, He is. Although He may not fix it until we are with Him in Heaven, He will fix it.

Of course, we want to fix it ourselves. We live in a society where there seems to be a solution to every problem- often times a solution made up of idols that only give the problem a temporary fix. We must realize and submit to the one thing our brokenness is longing for: the love of Jesus. 

In the midst of all my searching, all my hoping, and all my "fixing" of the ache to have another child- even through the calling of adoption- I am left broken. Jesus is the one my soul is searching for the most- He is the lover of my soul. Even when that glorious day arrives when we welcome another child into our family, my soul will never know a greater satisfaction than knowing Jesus intimately.

We must hand our weighty blasts from the past over to Jesus, for He knows our yesterdays, todays, and tomorrows. Whatever is hidden in the attic of our hearts, that is in need of being fixed, may we shake off the dust and hand each box of disappointment to Jesus.

Please pray for wisdom, patience, peace and for God's will to be done in the expansion of our family. We are continuing with the adoption process, but would love prayer that we do everything in the Lord's timing and not our own.

James 1:2

"Count it all joy, my brothers, when you meet trials of various kinds, for you know that the testing of your faith produces steadfastness."

Plans Change

"As the heavens are higher than the earth,

so are my ways higher than your ways

and my thoughts than your thoughts." Isaiah 55:9

Our plan after the ectopic pregnancy was to adopt from the Philippines. It would take 3-4 years, which would give us time to raise money and allow me to start and finish PA school. We had a plan. 

We found out if I went to PA school, we would no longer qualify to adopt from the Philippines. I decided not to pursue PA school, (for additional reasons not just the adoption). Now I was concerned about how I would continue to perform my job physically though. Plans change.

We were getting close to completing the paperwork for our home study, and we had already began working on the dossier. We had a plan. 

After researching the school Oliver was zoned to for kindergarten next year, we decided the best decision would be to enroll him in the school his cousins go to in Wilson, NC. We had always wanted to build our dream home on my father-in-law's land in Sims, NC, (but chose not to because of my job in Durham). When I found out about a job opening at Duke Perinatal Raleigh, we went for it. This job also had great potential of being easier on my shoulders/arms. We had a plan.

Because we were selling our house, the home study would be delayed. We found out the Philippines require a three bedroom house if you already have one child, but renting a three bedroom house was not possible. The doors to adopting a child from the Philippines slowly began to close. Plans change.

After putting the adoption on hold, Bradd mentioned the idea of trying to get pregnant again. At that same time, I was a feeling a stirring in my heart to try again too. We had a plan.

We had our second IUI (Intrauterine Insemination) with Clomid in February 2016. I had two mature follicles on my right ovary. This was an answer to prayer, since the ectopic was on the left side.

However, it was unsuccessful. 

We found out we were not pregnant.

We thought this was God's plan...that all of the changes in our lives were leading up to this moment: a successful pregnancy.

Christ is better.

I must admit that when the pregnancy test was negative, I punched the bed pretty hard. I laid next to Bradd and cried, (he might have to). Even though I trust that God has a plan far better than our own, secondary infertility still hurts. Before this happened, we had been reading the book of Job as a church, and I think that really puts things in perspective for anyone going through trials in life. I know several friends going through secondary infertility and some primary infertility. Their faith is always encouraging. I definitely have my low moments, but they (along with family and our precious Lord and Savior) are there to help lift me up.

I pray this blog is an encouragement to someone else, just as I have been encouraged by blogs in the past. After all, infertility / pregnancy loss is all too common...but as a friend shared with me this week, it is for a reason! 

As far as our plans with the adoption, Bradd and I are praying about domestic infant adoption, (the number of bedrooms does not matter). We are also praying about foster to adopt, as well as adopting from adoptuskids.org (children available for adoption in the foster care system). 

For a long time I felt led to adopt an older child who was waiting for a home, versus a baby for whom there are multiple waiting families. It was not until we found out about not qualifying to adopt internationally and going through our second IUI that my heart became open to domestic infant adoption.

I remember the days when I used to volunteer at crisis pregnancy centers and briefly counsel women after their ultrasound about the option of adoption. Bradd and I have always been pro life and we feel adopting an infant is helping to put our faith in action. 

We also still feel led to an older child too, (but younger than Oliver). We just don't know the route God will lead us on. 

I am asking Jesus to help me remain in His hope and grace during this time. I really do believe He is teaching me to abide in His grace and be satisfied that my hope is in Him and not in my dreams of a bigger family. Speaking of hope and grace, that reminds me of Rhea Hope and Ivy Grace...

We can look back without regret that we did not give up on getting pregnant too soon, (as in we attempted another IUI). After all, soon after we decided to pursue adoption, I had a vision of a little girl with soft light brown curls standing in front of me. I knew it was my daughter. I gasped and the tears flowed down my face. I asked God, "Is that the daughter we are giving up if we don't try to get pregnant again?" Then, a peace came over me and I felt strongly that the little girl was in Heaven- it was either Rhea Hope or Ivy Grace. Regardless of who the little girl was- I can now look back peacefully with no regrets. 

In the moments leading up to our decision to try another IUI, I can tell you beyond a shadow of a doubt, that God was leading us. Up until that point, I did not desire to try to get pregnant again, (although the yearn to nurse another baby will always be there). My heart was set on adoption. Once we decided to try again, everything seemed to happen quickly and peacefully. Even though we did not get pregnant, I can still look back and know that God was and is in control.

We are also extremely blessed to have been given our precious Oliver who was loaned to us from our Heavenly Father who gives good gifts. 

Plans change. God does not. His goodness is never failing. All glory be to God for He alone satisfies our soul, (I am still learning to live out that promise- a promise that demands I give my plans to God and let go of my own dreams). 

"'For I know the plans I have for you,' declares the LORD, 'plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.'" Jeremiah 29:11

Song lyrics by Lauren Daigle:

"Trust In You"

Letting go of every single dream

I lay each one down at Your feet 

Every moment of my wandering

Never changes what You see

I’ve tried to win this war I confess

My hands are weary I need Your rest

Mighty Warrior, King of the fight

No matter what I face, You’re by my side

When You don’t move the mountains I’m needing You to move

When You don’t part the waters I wish I could walk through

When You don’t give the answers as I cry out to You

I will trust, I will trust, I will trust in You!

Truth is, You know what tomorrow brings 

There’s not a day ahead You have not seen

So, in all things be my life and breath

I want what You want Lord and nothing less

When You don’t move the mountains I’m needing You to move

When You don’t part the waters I wish I could walk through

When You don’t give the answers as I cry out to You

I will trust, I will trust, I will trust in You!

You are my strength and comfort

You are my steady hand

You are my firm foundation; the rock on which I stand

Your ways are always higher

Your plans are always good

There’s not a place where I’ll go, You’ve not already stood

When You don’t move the mountains I’m needing You to move

When You don’t part the waters I wish I could walk through

When You don’t give the answers as I cry out to You

I will trust, I will trust, I will trust in You!

I will trust in You!

I will trust in You!

I will trust in You!