A Fertile Field

9 

You know how sometimes you read a passage in the Bible and it just totally comes alive? Like as if it were literally jumping off of the page and into your heart? I will admit, this does not happen to me as often as I would like. Mostly because I think I read too fast and not nearly enough. Well, these words I read seemed to leap into my heart! Praise the Lord!

Here is the passage, (Isaiah 32:9-20):

"Rise up, you women who are at ease,

And hear my voice;
Give ear to my word,
You complacent daughters.
10 Within a year and a few days
You will be troubled, O complacent daughters;
For the vintage is ended,
And the fruit gathering will not come.
11 Tremble, you women who are at ease;
Be troubled, you complacent daughters;
Strip, undress and put sackcloth on your waist,
12 Beat your breasts for the pleasant fields, for the fruitful vine,
13 For the land of my people in which thorns and briars shall come up;
Yea, for all the joyful houses and forthe jubilant city.
14 Because the palace has been abandoned, the populated city forsaken.
Hill and watch-tower have become caves forever,
A delight for wild donkeys, a pasture for flocks;
15 Until the Spirit is poured out upon us from on high,
And the wilderness becomes a fertile field,
And the fertile field is considered as a forest.
16 Then justice will dwell in the wilderness
And righteousness will abide in the fertile field.
17 And the work of righteousness will be peace,
And the service of righteousness, quietness and confidence forever.
18 Then my people will live in a peaceful habitation,
And in secure dwellings and in undisturbed resting places;
19 And it will hail when the forest comes down,
And the city will be utterly laid low.
20 How blessed will you be, you who sow beside all waters,
Who let out freely the ox and the donkey."

Who are the women at ease? Why were they being asked to rise up? I am no Bible scholar, but it seems these women had hearts that were far from Jesus. From what I have researched regarding this passage, these women were full of idolatry and carelessness. They were at ease with living for themselves and remaining in their sin.

As the passage continues, these women are warned that trouble will soon encroach upon them. They are urged to mourn. They are commanded to be troubled. This was a major wake up call for them. However, why would they be asked to be troubled? Maybe these women were so caught up in their idolatry that they were blind to both the inner and outer turmoil taking place. Something had to happen for God to get their attention...

The passage seems to indicate that there is no peace or fruitfulness until the Spirit is poured out. One commenter says it this way, "True satisfaction is only to be had in true religion." As I read that statement I recalled my prayer when I first become pregnant with Rhea Hope in Fall 2014, "Jesus, help me to be satisfied with you and you alone. Even if this pregnancy fails and we never get pregnant again, be my joy and satisfaction." 

I am one of those women. I have been at ease and complacent with my own sin many times. What I love about this passage is how it says peace will not come until the Spirit is poured out. Will you join with me in prayer that His spirit will be
poured out upon woman (and men) everywhere? The passage also mentions how the wilderness will become a fertile field. A wilderness is often a dry, weary land full of unknown and people wandering around lost. Can you imagine the Holy Spirit leading all those wandering people out of the wilderness?

 "A fertile field." When I consider fertility, I always think of physically fertility.
 Obviously this passage is about spiritual fertility. May the wilderness of infertility that so many women struggle with be filled peace, confidence,
 and rest. In the same way, may our spiritual infertility become a fertile field of peace, confidence, and rest as we are filled with the Holy Spirit. 

I recently read a few posts of a blog by "Caroline In Due Time." She has struggled with primary infertility for about three years or so. Her and her husband decided not to pursue fertility treatment and to trust that God will give them a child "in due time." What an amazing testimony of a woman not at ease and not complacent with living for herself...a woman full of peace, confidence, and rest in her savior. Obviously, she goes through hard times, (she is very real and open in her blog), but she continues to trust and I believe she is truly satisfied in Jesus.

"And the fertile field is considered as a forest." I am praying for women everywhere that they will experience spiritual and physical fertility and the Holy Spirit will be poured out upon us all! May we look forward in whatever field we are in. May the snow fall of His presence fall upon us as we follow in His footsteps wherever He leads us. May our hearts be cleansed white as snow and may complacency be trampled and left behind as we are filled with His peace, confidence, and rest- even in what may seem the longest and coldest Winter ever.

Grief is Fickle

"Grief is fickle." That statement was mentioned in a blog by a mother of four (Breena Holt) who lost one of her children to Batten disease. I think every human can relate to that statement, because we have all experienced grief in our lives.
After reading her statement, I remembered my fickleness that is displayed throughout my previous blog posts since the ectopic pregnancy. After all, my thoughts about pursuing adoption sooner than later or trying again to conceive changed more than once.
Whenever I am wondering what I should do in a particular situation, and I ask Bradd, he gently tells me, "Make a decision and stick with it. Love Jesus and do what you want." What he means by that is as long as you are truly in love with Jesus, your desires become His desires. Of course, you still have to pray earnestly and fervantly concerning God's direction in your life, and seek Him in every area. However, I tend to worry quite often whether or not I am doing God's will. My heart also tends to be fickle naturally, especially when I am grieving; as I have learned recently. Hence, Bradd's statement to me.
When I found out about the national together for adoption conference held at our church, I knew I had to go. No matter how far away the adoption process was for us, I knew we would adopt one day, so going to the conference was a must.
I learned many aspects concerning orphan care that I did not know before. For now, I will share the specific part I learned that pushed us to the decision to officially begin the process as well as where we are adopting from.
On the last day of the conference, as I was heading to a session where adult adoptees speak about their experience being adopted, I decided to stop at a booth manned by Christian Adoption Services. One of the ladies talked with me about their international adoption program as well as their domestic one. My heart was pulled towards their international program but I knew how Bradd felt last time I mentioned international adoption. He did not feel comfortable traveling outside of the country. I still felt like I should listen to what she had to say. I also knew I was missing the session, but I just couldn't leave that booth.
One reason for being fickle about beginning the process was the timing and financial strain. With many countries, the wait time once you submit your dossier is one to two years. Once I found out about their regular international adoption program which takes three to four years from the time you submit your dossier, I was smitten with the idea. For us, the longer the process takes, the better. When I found out about several fundraisers that this agency helps you with, the financial worries began to ease as well. It was comforting knowing we would have more time to raise the funds than if we chose domestic adoption or even adoption from a different country. Even though we will still need to raise a significant amount of money within the next year, we believe God will provide.
Another aspect that helped us choose this agency and country was the amount of time spent in the country. We will only have to travel to this country once, and only stay there five to seven days.
Upon leaving the conference, I texted Bradd and asked him to please pray for God to speak to his heart about something I was going to talk to him about. Honestly, I was nervous that Bradd and I would feel differently about the information I was going to share.
I cried and hugged him after he shared his response; which was genuinely and extremely supportive. I smiled too.
Speaking of smiles...

As we delve into this overwhelming process, there may be more trials than smiles. After all, as my friend Rebecca Shrader has said, "Adoption is not all rainbows and unicorns..." See the following excerpt from her blog written over a year ago, (they are bringing home a little boy from Ethiopia soon):
"We are adopted by God into His kingdom, into His family with Jesus. We inherit the Kingdom WITH Jesus. Once we make the decision to follow Christ, we are promised to follow Him all the way up into Heaven. Heaven is OURS. What a wonderful family we will have! The best earthly example of God’s love for us is adoption. Adoption is a heartbreaking process. There are years of waiting, years of tears, years of hardship ahead. Adoption is not all rainbows and unicorns, it’s incredibly hard to become a parent to a child who isn’t your blood. But God does this over and over. God adopted all of us and it was our decision to choose His family. He gets an eternity of heartbreak, but He also gets the elation when one of His children joins His family."
"For all who are led by the Spirit of God are children of God. So you have not received a spirit that makes you fearful slaves. Instead, you received God’s Spirit when he adopted you as his own children. Now we call him, 'Abba, Father.' For his Spirit joins with our spirit to affirm that we are God’s children." Romans 8:14-16
. We hope this blog is not just an encouragement to anyone going through primary or secondary infertility, and/or pregnancy loss but adoption as well. After all, blogs about adoptions, (Rebecca's for example), were extremely helpful- especially right now.
Yes, grief is fickle, but Jesus remains constant and unchanging. I was worried by pursuing the adoption process right away that it was going to become (or already was) an idol in my heart. Perhaps I was indeed (and still am) trying to fill the void left from miscarriages. However, even if I am, I believe God can still be glorified in my weaknesses.
After all, there is a child God has chosen for us to adopt into our family; and adoption is not about us,
 but about the child. I pray my desire to give Oliver a sibling through adoption is glorifying God, despite my weaknesses. Jesus has always been faithful. No matter how fickle our hearts are, we can trust and be thankful that He will never fail us.
Please pray that God is glorified through this journey and that He uses this child to one day reach the nations. We covet your prayers during this process.

In His Peace,
~Candace

Posted with Blogsy

Waiting for a Blessing

Sometimes the storm comes unexpectedly, and the blessing you were waiting on has been tossed to and fro. After the rain sets in, your heart suddenly floods with questions. Questions that take your breath away. The suffering felt during the storm is often so overwhelming that all you can do is reach upward towards the giver of the rain itself. Watching the rain come down harder and harder, you see a glimpse of sunlight breaking through. Only for a moment though, does the ray of light peek out from behind the clouds. Wondering if the rain is pouring down to get your attention, you decide to keep watching. As you watch, you continue searching for the sun, hoping it will make its appearance soon. At last, the rain starts to trickle down from the sky, no longer a hard rain. Finally, the rain drops have stopped. You breathe a sigh of relief, only to find that your child is crying. You turn to face him, and swoop him up in your arms. He says he is sad because he wanted to dance and sing in the rain, and now the rain has disappeared. You tell him to look at the sunshine now, hoping he will smile. Instead, he peers through the window and prays for the rain to come again. The questions that flooded your heart are now silenced. As the sunshine beams through, your heart is filled with comfort, but at the same time, an ache for something more...

When you are in the midst of suffering, your eyes are often turned to Jesus. You go to Him with your doubts, fears, heartache, and tears. Sometimes though, you are so focused on when the suffering will end, that you miss the beauty of the rain. When the sunshine comes, you get distracted by the warmth and comfort it brings- it also makes you long for something more. The questions that came in like a flood, are now on a dry wasteland. The questions that moved you closer to the maker of the sun are now covered in so much light that they cannot be seen. Just like your child missed the rain, because he was unable to sing and dance out in it, so will you miss the dance you danced with Jesus during your suffering. Do not let the hope for a brighter tomorrow cause you to miss the grace that comes during your suffering. 

As followers of Christ, we are blessed when we suffer. Our hope is not hidden in the clouds during the storm. Christ is our hope that shines through the darkest day. Grace really does fall upon us
like rain. His grace is poured out as showers of blessing. 

Dancing with Jesus through the storm is what I hope and pray all of us women, (and men) will do when we face these struggles. As I have briefly mentioned before, several women I know who have suffered infertility and pregnancy loss have used their suffering to bless others. I have also been blessed by many of my patients who have suffered too. 

One day the storm will pass. That is not to say that there will not be another storm after that. 

Here is an excerpt from Pastor JD's sermon this past weekend at the Summit church, (he talks about suffering):

"...Peter assumed the Messiah would end all suffering for God’s people. • And this wasn’t without warrant—the OT repeatedly promised that a Messiah would come and end injustice, right all wrongs, end suffering...
o But there was also talk in the OT about a Servant God would send who would suffer... and who this Person would be was confusing to Jewish people
o but they never dreamed that the Suffering Servant and the Conquering Christ were the same Person.
So Peter, along with most Jews of his time, couldn’t conceive of a suffering Messiah...
Peter expresses the heart of Christian immaturity: Jesus Christ came so that I wouldn’t suffer.

• But Jesus said, “No, Peter, I’m not going to save you from suffering; I am going to save you through suffering.”
  o And I’m not going to stop your pain; I am going to redeem your pain, and give it meaning, and use it to bring life to yourself and the world...
• And Jesus tells Peter that until he understands this he should stop speaking for Jesus.
  o Vs 30: don’t tell anyone I’m the Christ until you understand this!

1. You have consumer faith if you expect Christ to remove all

hardship from your life

o “Get behind me, Satan! Peter, shut your mouth until you understand this.”
You see, many immature Christians still assume that salvation means that all suffering in your life will end, and if you suffer, God is somehow not keeping up his end of the deal.
But Jesus says, “Salvation doesn’t end the problems in your life; sometimes they intensify. My promise is that in these problems, I will be working to produce life.” 

When you find out that he may not remove every problem from your life, you go through a test, like Peter did:
Why are you following Jesus?
Are you following him because of what you think he can provide for you, or because you believe he is more valuable than life itself?
You see, all of us have certain expectations of Jesus. You don’t have the same expectations that Peter did: he believed the Messiah would overthrow Rome and give freedom to Israel. Most of you didn’t grow up dreaming of war with Rome (unless you’re a video gamer)...
but we grow up with a view of Jesus that corresponds with our consumeristic culture: We think of God who is part genie in a bottle, part therapist, life coach, personal cheerleader, financial advisor. A God who exists for your purposes; a Go at your beck and call.
What are you going to do when Jesus doesn’t fit your expectations?
It is going to be a moment of truth... Are you going to throw up your hands and walk away?

It doesn’t record this here, but one time when Jesus made statements like this one a lot of people quit following him—they were like, “Whoa, we were all about the healing and the blessing and the solid families, not the cross.”
• Jesus then turned to Peter and said, “Peter, are you going to leave also?” What Peter says is not inspiring. Peter throws up his hands and says, “Where else am I going to go?” You have the words of eternal life.” In other words, I am frustrated by you, but at the end of the day I’d rather have you and nothing else than anything without you.”
• Peter passed his test. Will you?• You will go through it! I see it all the time. The cancer doesn’t go in remission; the loved one dies; the marriage doesn’t get better; the kids don’t come back.
Peter thought of the Christ has someone who would make his life better. But now Jesus starts talking about willingly picking up a cross—this is not a completion of his life, but a forfeiture of his life.
The time it became clear to me... Not going well. Sacrifice.

• Is that the kind of picture you want to characterize your life? Is that what you were expecting when you came to Jesus?
• Dietrich Bonhoeffer said it best: “When Jesus bids a man to follow him, he bids him come and die.”
  What do you think Jesus’ purpose was in saving you? Many people assume that becoming a Christian just means cleaning up your life and in response you get God’s help and he takes you to heaven.

• Jesus said it means offering yourself without restriction to him;
offering up your life for the world the way that he did his. Have you ever offered yourself to God this way?" 

-JD Greear

When the rain falls, and the sunshine is nowhere in sight, do not let the sound of the storm stop you from speaking out. Infertility and pregnancy loss are often silent sorrows. Suffering in silence can be deafening. Reach out to someone you trust if you are suffering. Hope and grace are there- and you do not have to wait for the storm to pass before you meet them.

Perhaps the blessing we are waiting for whenever we are suffering from primary / secondary infertility or pregnancy loss is already here- the blessing of God's presence. 

In His Peace,

~Candace

Jesus can Fill that Void

I am starting out this blog post with a quote from my first post, (before the one announcing our adoption): "Living in the unknown is hard for me. I would love to fast forward time to a place where we are holding a newborn in our arms, or we are embracing life as family of three, or to the time when we begin the adoption process, (we want to adopt but are still praying about the timing). I am sure anyone going through fertility treatment just wants to be at the end of it. However, I can almost hear that still, small voice telling me not to rush this process. The process of grieving, the process of waiting, and the process of listening...listening to that still, small voice in the midst of suffering."

Shortly after I made my most recent post public, I began feeling more and more sad over decision not to pursue further fertility treatment. I think at the time I wanted closure and I wanted to fill the empty void from this pregnancy loss. At the time, it felt therapeutic for me to come to a decision and "move on." Now, the quote above keeps coming back to me. "Don't rush this process of grieving..."

In order for me to feel at peace and truly heal from this, I feel I must again share what is on my heart, (so that I do not feel dishonest). Right now, we are not making a decision one way or the other as far as trying to conceive again. We still know we want to adopt one day, that has not changed. We just do not know when, but the Lord certainly does!

The void women and men feel after primary or secondary infertility and pregnancy loss is real. However, Jesus really is there to fill that void. I just need to let Him do just that- and not idolize another child, (whether through adoption or conception), but seek Him.

Instead of selling the earrings, I hope to give them away to women I know, (and may meet one day) who have experienced infertility or pregnancy loss. Therefore, if you are reading this blog, and have experienced either or both of those, feel free to comment or message me. I would love to bless you with a pair of JennaJayneEarrings.

In Him,
Candace

It Makes Me Giggle a Little

Before Bradd and I were married, we would casually mention how many children we each wanted. I always wanted at least three of my own and adopt one. Bradd had always wanted four of his own and adopt two. Looking back, this makes me giggle a little. As you can see though, we both have desired to have more than one child for a long time.
My last blog post mentions our fertility journey. To briefly summarize, we had an early miscarriage in October 2014 and just recently went through a fertility procedure (IUI) that ended up being a tubal ectopic pregnancy. Once a person has one ectopic pregnancy, their chances of having another one increase. Now that I have had an ectopic pregnancy, (on top of other underlying issues that put me at risk), my doctor said I have a 15 to 20% chance of having another ectopic pregnancy. My doctor also said that there were adhesions between my ovary, fallopian tube and bowel. Bradd said she even used the word "cement" to describe how stuck they were. For that reason, she could not remove my tube in fear that she would damage my ovary, (and she said it was hard to tell the tube from the ovary).
One thing I did not mention in my last blog was whether or not the baby had a heartbeat. Our sweet baby did have a heartbeat. I once had a dream I that I had an ectopic pregnancy, (probably because I am a high risk OB sonographer myself). It did not feel like a dream though, it felt more like a nightmare. With our first miscarriage, there was an intrauterine pregnancy, but never a heartbeat. Because the doctor was following my beta Hcg levels closely and we were still not seeing an intrauterine pregnancy, an ectopic pregnancy was on the differential list. Even so, I had still waited and waited to see a baby with a heartbeat. However, when I saw that this baby who was inside my fallopian tube did have a heartbeat, I was shocked and heartbroken. I knew what had to happen, but I did not want it to happen. When she was done scanning, I sat up and buried my head in my knees and continued to cry. I told her I know in my head that this baby will not survive and can be life threatening to me, but I did not want to terminate the pregnancy because of my beliefs. I kept saying, "I can't. It has a heartbeat...but I know I have to." The doctor looked at me sternly yet gently and assured me, "This is not a termination. You have no choice. This is out of your control." Because the baby was growing inside my fallopian tube, without surgery, my fallopian tube would eventually rupture and the baby would miscarry and I could potentially bleed to death. Still, I do not think I will ever get over what I had to do. Bradd and I are extremely grateful to our wonderful doctor(s) who has been more than amazing through it all.
In my previous blog post I had mentioned my feelings of sadness, anger, and jealousy from the secondary infertility and early pregnancy losses. I had said how those feelings made me feel like I could not seek God like I wanted to. I then went on to describe God's grace and forgiveness. Fortunately, a close friend / family member encouraged me by reminding me that those feelings are normal when you are grieving. It was said to me, "The five stages of loss / grief are denial, anger, bargaining, depression and acceptance. Nothing about these stages go against our faith or what we believe about God..."
After that, I found a blog post entitled,
"Good Grief- 5 ways your mourning can glorify God" (by The Cripplegate). In the article, the author mentions someone who once asked her, "How can I grieve in a way that honors God?" That is exactly how I feel. When I first found out about the ectopic pregnancy, I told a close friend that I want to honor God, but I just feel so sad and I don't know how to honor Him through my sadness.
I also found an article online from CBN entitled, "Living through Grief." Here are some highlights:
"We should not feel guilty for grieving because it is a necessary part of God’s pathway to healing. Ecclesiastes 3:1,4 says 'To everything there is a season, a time for every purpose under heaven: a time to weep, and a time to laugh; a time to mourn, and a time to dance.' Many Bible stories demonstrate how God comforts His people in times of sorrow and loss. Job clung desperately to God, despite catastrophic loss and unhelpful friends. David, a man after God’s own heart, openly grieved the death of his son. Jesus is our best role model for combining faith and grief, as revealed in John 11:1-45. When He saw Mary and Martha in anguish over the death of their brother Lazarus, He wept and groaned. Although Jesus knew He was about to raise Lazarus from the dead, He still allowed Himself to feel – and express – the depths of human sorrow. The Holy Spirit – also called the Comforter (see John 14:26, KJV) – can give us God’s peace, even in the midst of suffering. Philippians 4:6-7tells us, 'Be anxious for nothing, but in everything by prayer and supplication, with thanksgiving, let your requests be made known to God; and the peace of God, which surpasses all understanding, will guard your hearts and minds through Christ Jesus.' The peace of God does not come from our circumstances, but from drawing close to Him."
Thank-you to those friends / family who gently encouraged me not to feel guilty for the feelings I feel or have felt during the grieving process. I still pray that I grieve in a way to glorify Jesus!
At this time in our lives, Bradd and I have decided to forego any further fertility treatments. With the increased risk for another ectopic pregnancy, we feel led to stop trying to conceive. Our doctor did give us the option of doing another IUI (with extremely close monitoring) after three months of birth control. However, our doctor also understood if we did not want to take the risk of having another ectopic pregnancy. Obviously, God is the one ultimately in control, (as I feel I have clearly seen through all of this). He alone knows if we will ever have another biological child. However, I will be going on continuous birth control to control the endometriosis. I feel sad about this, but at the same time I feel God's peace.
Immediately after our first miscarriage, we began thinking more and more about adoption. We knew we wanted another biological child before it was too late, (I have borderline low ovarian reserve), so we continued to try and conceive, (and kept the idea of adoption in the back of our minds).
As members of the Summit church, we are surrounded by a community of believers who support adoption not only by their words, but by their actions. We know quite a few couples who have adopted, or are in the process. Basically, if a family is considering adoption, the Summit church is full of resources. One of the resources they provide is a book called, "Adopted for Life" by Russell D. Moore. He describes how adoption is a symbol of the gospel in a way that makes you want to dive deeper into the gospel itself:
"When we adopt—and when we encourage a culture of adoption in our churches and communities—we’re picturing something that’s true about our God. We, like Jesus, see what our Father is doing and do likewise (John 5:19) . And what our Father is doing, it turns out, is fighting for orphans, making them sons and daughters." -Russell D. Moore

Oliver will often say, "I love you (with a long pause) so much." He will also show me a toy and say, "My brothers gave this to me." When I ask him who his brothers are, he will say, "You and Daddy are my brothers." I just know Oliver already loves his future sibling...so much. Because this an older picture of Oliver, it reminds me that God knew the journey we would embark on long before we did, and that this picture would be a symbol of something only He could create...our adoption story!

We have felt a calling to adopt for a while now, we just expected to start the process later in life. However, the Lord has His own timing for things and His own plans, that are far better than ours. God adopted us into His family through the giving and receiving of His son, Jesus Christ. We who were once orphans, are now adopted into the family of God and have received a great inheritance.
We are praying and already loving the child that we will one day adopt. Even though you may or may not be born yet, little one, God knows you and loves you too.
"There’s something about patience that God deems necessary for our life in the age to come and so, whether through agriculture or discipleship or bodily development or eschatology or procreation, God makes us wait..." -Russell D. Moore
It makes me cry a little to think of everything that has brought us to this point, but at the same time it makes me giggle a little to think God already knows who our future child is and when we will welcome them into our family. I can also rejoice in the fact that God did give us the desires of our heart. After all, I wanted at least three children of my own. That's what I got, it's just two of them are already with Jesus. As I typed out, "children of my own" I was convicted. An adopted child is just as much "of my own" as Oliver is. For example, when we become children of God, our sinful past is erased and we are His own. I want to be able to describe Oliver and his future sibling as equally "our own." He/she will have the same inheritance as Oliver, just as everyone who comes to Christ receives the same inheritance no matter how long it took them to get there or what their background looks like. When we become children of God, we are all brothers and sisters in Christ. Praise the Lord! We can also say that Bradd received the desires of his heart as well. After all, there is no distinction between "our own" when it comes to an adopted child or a biological child.
We have chosen to start raising funds for our adoption by selling custom made "JennaJayne Earrings." Please visit https://www.etsy.com/shop/JennaJayneEarrings for more details. You may also follow my new Instagram account Rhea_and_Ivy for more details.
Thank-you for taking the time to read what is on our hearts.
InHisPeace,
~Candace

Posted with Blogsy

It's Okay to Not be Okay

"Remember your word to your servant,
in which you have made me hope. This is my comfort in my affliction,
that your promise gives me life."
Psalm 119:49-50

In July 2014, Bradd and I started trying to expand our family. We found out we were pregnant in October 2014. That pregnancy ended in an early miscarriage. We named that baby "Rhea Hope" since my middle name, before I was married, was Rhea. Also because our hope is in Jesus, (and we have hope for more children, of course).

We continued to try to conceive again for several months. After several months of no success, I saw a fertility doctor because I felt like my endometriosis was back, (due to the pain).

The doctor concluded that I have borderline low ovarian reserve and that the endometriosis had most likely recurred based on my ultrasound and symptoms. At that point, she said we need to conceive as soon as possible. Our three options were as follows: IVF (In Vitro Fertilization), IUI (Intrauterine Insemination), or continue to try on our own for no more than three cycles. We opted to keep trying on our own first.

Here we are, months later, after completing our first IUI with Clomid and ovulation induction. I had a positive pregnancy test and I was elated. I felt extremely blessed to simply have a positive pregnancy test! I immediately began to re-hash out baby names with Bradd and I even pulled out all of my old maternity clothes I wore with Oliver.

By the way, just in case you are wondering, we conceived on the first try with Oliver. Although, I had a laparoscopy to remove endometriosis before getting pregnant with him.

Bradd reminded me that anything could go wrong, and he was not going be satisfied until there was a baby in his arms. I, on the other hand, had my hopes up immediately. Even with the job I have as a high risk OB sonographer, (where I see extremely sad situations all the time), I was still hopeful, or at least cautiously optimistic.

Soon after the positive pregnancy test, there were a few signs that pointed to a possibly unsuccessful pregnancy. Eventually, I found out that this was a tubal ectopic pregnancy. I completely fell apart. I was rushed to the hospital for surgery.

We chose this baby's first name after my pawpaw's father, (to whom my mother's middle name "Ivalene" is after) "Ivy."
The middle name is "Grace." God's grace will sustain us through it all. After we chose this name, we found out that my mawmaw's father had two sisters named Ivy and Grace. I think this baby's name was meant to be. Speaking of names, Pastor JD has been speaking on the names of God...It helped that the Sunday before I found out about the ectopic pregnancy, Pastor JD preached part 5 of "I Am." An excerpt from his sermon transcript is here:

"When you became a Christian, you took God’s name, I am. The properties of the “I am” became yours.
You became one with him. What he has you have. You became a participant in the divine nature (says Peter) an inheritor of the divine promises (says Paul). ALL THE PROMISES OF GOD are yes... for you are one with him!

When you say no to God, or falter in obedience, or cower before an assignment, because you think, “I am not ____,” you are.

What I am, you are. Stop taking my name in vain.

You say, “But God, I am so dysfunctional.” And he says, “Yet I am so complete.”

You say, “I am so deficient.” He says, “I am so sufficient.”

You say, “I am so doubtful.” He says, “I am so faithful.”

You say, “I am so sinful.” He says, “I am so graceful.”

I am so weak; but I am so strong."

I kept thinking, how will I handle another pregnancy loss? That's just it, I don't have to. He is the Great I AM.

Even though I fail everyday, Jesus is there to pick me up. I am trying to fully rely on Him. It is hard. I often feel overwhelmed and defeated, and that is often when I am trying too hard on my own.

A song that has ministered to me is "Exhale" by Plumb:
"It's okay to not be okay
This is a safe place
This is a safe place
Don't be afraid
Don't be ashamed
There's still hope here
There's still hope here

No matter what you've done or who you are
Everyone is welcome His arms

Just let go let His love wrap around you
And hold you close
Get lost in the surrender
Breathe it in until your heart breaks
Then exhale
Exhale

Spirit come tear down the walls
That only You can
That only You can
Reconcile this heart to Yours
Right now God
Right now

Just let go let His love wrap around you
And hold you close
Get lost in the surrender
Breathe it in until your heart breaks
Then exhale
Exhale

Oh God We breathe in your grace
We breathe in your grace
And exhale
Oh God we do not exist for us
But to share Your grace and love
And exhale

Oh God We breathe in your grace
We breathe in your grace
And exhale
Oh God we do not exist for us
But to share Your grace and love
And exhale

Just let go let His love wrap around you
And hold you close
Get lost in the surrender
Breathe it in until your heart breaks
Then exhale
Exhale
Exhale
Exhale
Exhale"

I have to tell myself that it is okay to not be okay and that I do not exist for myself, but for God. Just breathe, Candace.

Our original plan was to do two more IUI cycles and then if no success, I would go on continuous birth control to control the endometriosis. However, because of the ectopic, my doctor wants me on birth control for the next three months. After that, we could do another IUI, but I have an increased risk for another ectopic pregnancy. Bradd and I have a lot of praying to do.

Living in the unknown is hard for me. I would love to fast forward time to a place where we are holding a newborn in our arms, or we are embracing life as family of three, or to the time when we begin the adoption process, (we want to adopt but are still praying about the timing). I am sure anyone going through fertility treatment just wants to be at the end of it. However, I can almost hear that still, small voice telling me not to rush this process. The process of grieving, the process of waiting, and the process of listening...listening to that still, small voice in the midst of suffering.

Suffering? Compared to most people, I am not suffering at all. I almost feel guilty saying I am suffering. Perhaps I should call it a blessing. I think it is both, actually.

The positive aspect of this is that at least I had a positive pregnancy test. For that, I am grateful. I am also grateful for my son, Oliver. Oh, and of course that the ectopic was found and I am safe and healthy.

Secondary infertility is not talked about much. I do have two friends who have been battling secondary infertility much longer than I have. They have truly been an encouragement as they have and continue to demonstrate true hope in Jesus through it all. One of those friends in particular knew I was going through the IUI and she was ready at any moment to grieve with me if it was unsuccessful or rejoice with me if was successful. Her hope and joy for me to get pregnant was there even after her fertility treatments were unsuccessful. God is their "I AM" for sure.

My prayer when I was pregnant with Rhea Hope asking Jesus to help me to be satisfied with Him alone regardless if we ever have another baby, comes to my mind often. I would often pray, "Whatever it takes, Jesus, draw me closer to you." This past year has been the most difficult year of my life, but if this is my "whatever it takes" then I am grateful.

Have I truly sought Jesus through my tears? Have I truly put Him first? Have I truly become satisfied with the giver of life? No, I haven't. Have I become more aware of my sin? Have I become more aware of my need for Him? Has the gospel become more real to me? Yes.

I know God is trying to get my attention. I keep asking Him what do you want me to do? The one thing I keep hearing Him say is, "Seek me." How do I do that when I am sad and even a little angry? Oh, and sometimes jealous too. Those feelings are hard to admit, but they are there. Jesus took my sin and shame upon the cross though and He looks at me (and you) through eyes of grace. He stands at the right hand of the Father pleading our case. God's mercy has been poured out upon us- what a blessing. I must seek Him through the sadness, anger, and jealousy. Perhaps seeking Him during times like these are easier? All I know is I have to seek Him now, and with all my heart. My selfishness and idolatry has also been exposed during this time. I hope to be able to help someone else and not be so focused on my own suffering.

A close friend reminded me of the song, "Come as you are" by Crowder and the part that says,
"Earth has no sorrow that Heaven can't heal." So true. I do feel God's peace and I know He can heal our sorrow. Praise Him for that!

A scripture I memorized through this is Philippians 3:7-11, "But everything that was a gain to me, I have considered to be a loss because of Christ. More than that, I also consider everything to be a loss in view of the surpassing value of knowing Christ Jesus my Lord. Because of Him I have suffered the loss of all things and consider them filth, so that I may gain Christ and be found in Him, not having a righteousness of my own from the law, but one that is through faith in Christ—the righteousness from God based on faith. My goal is to know Him and the power of His resurrection and the fellowship of His sufferings, being conformed to His death, assuming that I will somehow reach the resurrection from among the dead."

May our hope be found in Jesus alone, and may His grace forever sustain us.

P.S. Thank-you for all of the prayers. Please continue to pray for Bradd and me, as we grieve the loss of this baby.

~Candace

Oliver 36 months (3 years old

Happy 3rd Birthday to Oliver! I have thoroughly enjoyed these three years of watching him grow and develop. He is so much fun, so sweet, and each stage truly does get better and better. I am learning how to discipline him and trying to teach him preschool. I am also in a mom's Bible study and trying to apply what I learn in order to help lead Oliver to Jesus.

Oliver loves to:

~Help (this is him helping me make Christmas goodies- it only lasted about a minute, but I was still proud of him)

 

~Wear sunglasses and point to planes / helicopters

 

~Play hide and go seek

 

~Hold up the number "Fee"

 

~Play with Superman

 

~Ride his new bicycle, (learning of course)

 

~Go fishing

 

~Ride his scooter with his helmet on of course

 

~Make silly faces

 

~Tickle and be tickled, ("There's a bear coming to get you, Mommy")

 

~Motorcycles

 

~Play store

 

~Go to CFA

 

~Carry things

 

~Go to the dentist, (yes, he loved his first time at the dentist)

 

~Superman, ("Don't call me Oliver, call me Superman")

~Football, basketball, and soccer

 

 

~Share his birthday with his mommy

 

 

 

~just be cute

 

Here are some of my favorite things he says these days:

"Say Superman Mommy," (he pretends he is Superman and wants me to call him that) or "I'm not Oliver, I'm Superman!"

"Luz you too, Mommy."

"What's wrong?"

"No Rose, no Charley."

John 3:16 and Acts 5:29

"Thank-you God for this food."

"God is great, God is good. Let us thank him for our food...Mommy you say the rest."

"I'm Superman. See my cape?"

"I wanna do fire rocket."

"Come shut the door and say wow wow."

"It's a sure pretty day outside."

"See my stick?"

Oliver also loves to...shoot bears, hide, tickle and be tickled, color, play trains, turn pages of books, roll balls, play cars, and fly like Superman.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Posted with Blogsy