"As the heavens are higher than the earth,
so are my ways higher than your ways
and my thoughts than your thoughts." Isaiah 55:9
Our plan after the ectopic pregnancy was to adopt from the Philippines. It would take 3-4 years, which would give us time to raise money and allow me to start and finish PA school. We had a plan.
We found out if I went to PA school, we would no longer qualify to adopt from the Philippines. I decided not to pursue PA school, (for additional reasons not just the adoption). Now I was concerned about how I would continue to perform my job physically though. Plans change.
We were getting close to completing the paperwork for our home study, and we had already began working on the dossier. We had a plan.
After researching the school Oliver was zoned to for kindergarten next year, we decided the best decision would be to enroll him in the school his cousins go to in Wilson, NC. We had always wanted to build our dream home on my father-in-law's land in Sims, NC, (but chose not to because of my job in Durham). When I found out about a job opening at Duke Perinatal Raleigh, we went for it. This job also had great potential of being easier on my shoulders/arms. We had a plan.
Because we were selling our house, the home study would be delayed. We found out the Philippines require a three bedroom house if you already have one child, but renting a three bedroom house was not possible. The doors to adopting a child from the Philippines slowly began to close. Plans change.
After putting the adoption on hold, Bradd mentioned the idea of trying to get pregnant again. At that same time, I was a feeling a stirring in my heart to try again too. We had a plan.
We had our second IUI (Intrauterine Insemination) with Clomid in February 2016. I had two mature follicles on my right ovary. This was an answer to prayer, since the ectopic was on the left side.
However, it was unsuccessful.
We found out we were not pregnant.
We thought this was God's plan...that all of the changes in our lives were leading up to this moment: a successful pregnancy.
Christ is better.
I must admit that when the pregnancy test was negative, I punched the bed pretty hard. I laid next to Bradd and cried, (he might have to). Even though I trust that God has a plan far better than our own, secondary infertility still hurts. Before this happened, we had been reading the book of Job as a church, and I think that really puts things in perspective for anyone going through trials in life. I know several friends going through secondary infertility and some primary infertility. Their faith is always encouraging. I definitely have my low moments, but they (along with family and our precious Lord and Savior) are there to help lift me up.
I pray this blog is an encouragement to someone else, just as I have been encouraged by blogs in the past. After all, infertility / pregnancy loss is all too common...but as a friend shared with me this week, it is for a reason!
As far as our plans with the adoption, Bradd and I are praying about domestic infant adoption, (the number of bedrooms does not matter). We are also praying about foster to adopt, as well as adopting from adoptuskids.org (children available for adoption in the foster care system).
For a long time I felt led to adopt an older child who was waiting for a home, versus a baby for whom there are multiple waiting families. It was not until we found out about not qualifying to adopt internationally and going through our second IUI that my heart became open to domestic infant adoption.
I remember the days when I used to volunteer at crisis pregnancy centers and briefly counsel women after their ultrasound about the option of adoption. Bradd and I have always been pro life and we feel adopting an infant is helping to put our faith in action.
We also still feel led to an older child too, (but younger than Oliver). We just don't know the route God will lead us on.
I am asking Jesus to help me remain in His hope and grace during this time. I really do believe He is teaching me to abide in His grace and be satisfied that my hope is in Him and not in my dreams of a bigger family. Speaking of hope and grace, that reminds me of Rhea Hope and Ivy Grace...
We can look back without regret that we did not give up on getting pregnant too soon, (as in we attempted another IUI). After all, soon after we decided to pursue adoption, I had a vision of a little girl with soft light brown curls standing in front of me. I knew it was my daughter. I gasped and the tears flowed down my face. I asked God, "Is that the daughter we are giving up if we don't try to get pregnant again?" Then, a peace came over me and I felt strongly that the little girl was in Heaven- it was either Rhea Hope or Ivy Grace. Regardless of who the little girl was- I can now look back peacefully with no regrets.
In the moments leading up to our decision to try another IUI, I can tell you beyond a shadow of a doubt, that God was leading us. Up until that point, I did not desire to try to get pregnant again, (although the yearn to nurse another baby will always be there). My heart was set on adoption. Once we decided to try again, everything seemed to happen quickly and peacefully. Even though we did not get pregnant, I can still look back and know that God was and is in control.
We are also extremely blessed to have been given our precious Oliver who was loaned to us from our Heavenly Father who gives good gifts.
Plans change. God does not. His goodness is never failing. All glory be to God for He alone satisfies our soul, (I am still learning to live out that promise- a promise that demands I give my plans to God and let go of my own dreams).
"'For I know the plans I have for you,' declares the LORD, 'plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.'" Jeremiah 29:11
Song lyrics by Lauren Daigle:
"Trust In You"
Letting go of every single dream
I lay each one down at Your feet
Every moment of my wandering
Never changes what You see
I’ve tried to win this war I confess
My hands are weary I need Your rest
Mighty Warrior, King of the fight
No matter what I face, You’re by my side
When You don’t move the mountains I’m needing You to move
When You don’t part the waters I wish I could walk through
When You don’t give the answers as I cry out to You
I will trust, I will trust, I will trust in You!
Truth is, You know what tomorrow brings
There’s not a day ahead You have not seen
So, in all things be my life and breath
I want what You want Lord and nothing less
When You don’t move the mountains I’m needing You to move
When You don’t part the waters I wish I could walk through
When You don’t give the answers as I cry out to You
I will trust, I will trust, I will trust in You!
You are my strength and comfort
You are my steady hand
You are my firm foundation; the rock on which I stand
Your ways are always higher
Your plans are always good
There’s not a place where I’ll go, You’ve not already stood
When You don’t move the mountains I’m needing You to move
When You don’t part the waters I wish I could walk through
When You don’t give the answers as I cry out to You
I will trust, I will trust, I will trust in You!
I will trust in You!
I will trust in You!
I will trust in You!
