Waiting for a Blessing

Sometimes the storm comes unexpectedly, and the blessing you were waiting on has been tossed to and fro. After the rain sets in, your heart suddenly floods with questions. Questions that take your breath away. The suffering felt during the storm is often so overwhelming that all you can do is reach upward towards the giver of the rain itself. Watching the rain come down harder and harder, you see a glimpse of sunlight breaking through. Only for a moment though, does the ray of light peek out from behind the clouds. Wondering if the rain is pouring down to get your attention, you decide to keep watching. As you watch, you continue searching for the sun, hoping it will make its appearance soon. At last, the rain starts to trickle down from the sky, no longer a hard rain. Finally, the rain drops have stopped. You breathe a sigh of relief, only to find that your child is crying. You turn to face him, and swoop him up in your arms. He says he is sad because he wanted to dance and sing in the rain, and now the rain has disappeared. You tell him to look at the sunshine now, hoping he will smile. Instead, he peers through the window and prays for the rain to come again. The questions that flooded your heart are now silenced. As the sunshine beams through, your heart is filled with comfort, but at the same time, an ache for something more...

When you are in the midst of suffering, your eyes are often turned to Jesus. You go to Him with your doubts, fears, heartache, and tears. Sometimes though, you are so focused on when the suffering will end, that you miss the beauty of the rain. When the sunshine comes, you get distracted by the warmth and comfort it brings- it also makes you long for something more. The questions that came in like a flood, are now on a dry wasteland. The questions that moved you closer to the maker of the sun are now covered in so much light that they cannot be seen. Just like your child missed the rain, because he was unable to sing and dance out in it, so will you miss the dance you danced with Jesus during your suffering. Do not let the hope for a brighter tomorrow cause you to miss the grace that comes during your suffering. 

As followers of Christ, we are blessed when we suffer. Our hope is not hidden in the clouds during the storm. Christ is our hope that shines through the darkest day. Grace really does fall upon us
like rain. His grace is poured out as showers of blessing. 

Dancing with Jesus through the storm is what I hope and pray all of us women, (and men) will do when we face these struggles. As I have briefly mentioned before, several women I know who have suffered infertility and pregnancy loss have used their suffering to bless others. I have also been blessed by many of my patients who have suffered too. 

One day the storm will pass. That is not to say that there will not be another storm after that. 

Here is an excerpt from Pastor JD's sermon this past weekend at the Summit church, (he talks about suffering):

"...Peter assumed the Messiah would end all suffering for God’s people. • And this wasn’t without warrant—the OT repeatedly promised that a Messiah would come and end injustice, right all wrongs, end suffering...
o But there was also talk in the OT about a Servant God would send who would suffer... and who this Person would be was confusing to Jewish people
o but they never dreamed that the Suffering Servant and the Conquering Christ were the same Person.
So Peter, along with most Jews of his time, couldn’t conceive of a suffering Messiah...
Peter expresses the heart of Christian immaturity: Jesus Christ came so that I wouldn’t suffer.

• But Jesus said, “No, Peter, I’m not going to save you from suffering; I am going to save you through suffering.”
  o And I’m not going to stop your pain; I am going to redeem your pain, and give it meaning, and use it to bring life to yourself and the world...
• And Jesus tells Peter that until he understands this he should stop speaking for Jesus.
  o Vs 30: don’t tell anyone I’m the Christ until you understand this!

1. You have consumer faith if you expect Christ to remove all

hardship from your life

o “Get behind me, Satan! Peter, shut your mouth until you understand this.”
You see, many immature Christians still assume that salvation means that all suffering in your life will end, and if you suffer, God is somehow not keeping up his end of the deal.
But Jesus says, “Salvation doesn’t end the problems in your life; sometimes they intensify. My promise is that in these problems, I will be working to produce life.” 

When you find out that he may not remove every problem from your life, you go through a test, like Peter did:
Why are you following Jesus?
Are you following him because of what you think he can provide for you, or because you believe he is more valuable than life itself?
You see, all of us have certain expectations of Jesus. You don’t have the same expectations that Peter did: he believed the Messiah would overthrow Rome and give freedom to Israel. Most of you didn’t grow up dreaming of war with Rome (unless you’re a video gamer)...
but we grow up with a view of Jesus that corresponds with our consumeristic culture: We think of God who is part genie in a bottle, part therapist, life coach, personal cheerleader, financial advisor. A God who exists for your purposes; a Go at your beck and call.
What are you going to do when Jesus doesn’t fit your expectations?
It is going to be a moment of truth... Are you going to throw up your hands and walk away?

It doesn’t record this here, but one time when Jesus made statements like this one a lot of people quit following him—they were like, “Whoa, we were all about the healing and the blessing and the solid families, not the cross.”
• Jesus then turned to Peter and said, “Peter, are you going to leave also?” What Peter says is not inspiring. Peter throws up his hands and says, “Where else am I going to go?” You have the words of eternal life.” In other words, I am frustrated by you, but at the end of the day I’d rather have you and nothing else than anything without you.”
• Peter passed his test. Will you?• You will go through it! I see it all the time. The cancer doesn’t go in remission; the loved one dies; the marriage doesn’t get better; the kids don’t come back.
Peter thought of the Christ has someone who would make his life better. But now Jesus starts talking about willingly picking up a cross—this is not a completion of his life, but a forfeiture of his life.
The time it became clear to me... Not going well. Sacrifice.

• Is that the kind of picture you want to characterize your life? Is that what you were expecting when you came to Jesus?
• Dietrich Bonhoeffer said it best: “When Jesus bids a man to follow him, he bids him come and die.”
  What do you think Jesus’ purpose was in saving you? Many people assume that becoming a Christian just means cleaning up your life and in response you get God’s help and he takes you to heaven.

• Jesus said it means offering yourself without restriction to him;
offering up your life for the world the way that he did his. Have you ever offered yourself to God this way?" 

-JD Greear

When the rain falls, and the sunshine is nowhere in sight, do not let the sound of the storm stop you from speaking out. Infertility and pregnancy loss are often silent sorrows. Suffering in silence can be deafening. Reach out to someone you trust if you are suffering. Hope and grace are there- and you do not have to wait for the storm to pass before you meet them.

Perhaps the blessing we are waiting for whenever we are suffering from primary / secondary infertility or pregnancy loss is already here- the blessing of God's presence. 

In His Peace,

~Candace

Jesus can Fill that Void

I am starting out this blog post with a quote from my first post, (before the one announcing our adoption): "Living in the unknown is hard for me. I would love to fast forward time to a place where we are holding a newborn in our arms, or we are embracing life as family of three, or to the time when we begin the adoption process, (we want to adopt but are still praying about the timing). I am sure anyone going through fertility treatment just wants to be at the end of it. However, I can almost hear that still, small voice telling me not to rush this process. The process of grieving, the process of waiting, and the process of listening...listening to that still, small voice in the midst of suffering."

Shortly after I made my most recent post public, I began feeling more and more sad over decision not to pursue further fertility treatment. I think at the time I wanted closure and I wanted to fill the empty void from this pregnancy loss. At the time, it felt therapeutic for me to come to a decision and "move on." Now, the quote above keeps coming back to me. "Don't rush this process of grieving..."

In order for me to feel at peace and truly heal from this, I feel I must again share what is on my heart, (so that I do not feel dishonest). Right now, we are not making a decision one way or the other as far as trying to conceive again. We still know we want to adopt one day, that has not changed. We just do not know when, but the Lord certainly does!

The void women and men feel after primary or secondary infertility and pregnancy loss is real. However, Jesus really is there to fill that void. I just need to let Him do just that- and not idolize another child, (whether through adoption or conception), but seek Him.

Instead of selling the earrings, I hope to give them away to women I know, (and may meet one day) who have experienced infertility or pregnancy loss. Therefore, if you are reading this blog, and have experienced either or both of those, feel free to comment or message me. I would love to bless you with a pair of JennaJayneEarrings.

In Him,
Candace

It Makes Me Giggle a Little

Before Bradd and I were married, we would casually mention how many children we each wanted. I always wanted at least three of my own and adopt one. Bradd had always wanted four of his own and adopt two. Looking back, this makes me giggle a little. As you can see though, we both have desired to have more than one child for a long time.
My last blog post mentions our fertility journey. To briefly summarize, we had an early miscarriage in October 2014 and just recently went through a fertility procedure (IUI) that ended up being a tubal ectopic pregnancy. Once a person has one ectopic pregnancy, their chances of having another one increase. Now that I have had an ectopic pregnancy, (on top of other underlying issues that put me at risk), my doctor said I have a 15 to 20% chance of having another ectopic pregnancy. My doctor also said that there were adhesions between my ovary, fallopian tube and bowel. Bradd said she even used the word "cement" to describe how stuck they were. For that reason, she could not remove my tube in fear that she would damage my ovary, (and she said it was hard to tell the tube from the ovary).
One thing I did not mention in my last blog was whether or not the baby had a heartbeat. Our sweet baby did have a heartbeat. I once had a dream I that I had an ectopic pregnancy, (probably because I am a high risk OB sonographer myself). It did not feel like a dream though, it felt more like a nightmare. With our first miscarriage, there was an intrauterine pregnancy, but never a heartbeat. Because the doctor was following my beta Hcg levels closely and we were still not seeing an intrauterine pregnancy, an ectopic pregnancy was on the differential list. Even so, I had still waited and waited to see a baby with a heartbeat. However, when I saw that this baby who was inside my fallopian tube did have a heartbeat, I was shocked and heartbroken. I knew what had to happen, but I did not want it to happen. When she was done scanning, I sat up and buried my head in my knees and continued to cry. I told her I know in my head that this baby will not survive and can be life threatening to me, but I did not want to terminate the pregnancy because of my beliefs. I kept saying, "I can't. It has a heartbeat...but I know I have to." The doctor looked at me sternly yet gently and assured me, "This is not a termination. You have no choice. This is out of your control." Because the baby was growing inside my fallopian tube, without surgery, my fallopian tube would eventually rupture and the baby would miscarry and I could potentially bleed to death. Still, I do not think I will ever get over what I had to do. Bradd and I are extremely grateful to our wonderful doctor(s) who has been more than amazing through it all.
In my previous blog post I had mentioned my feelings of sadness, anger, and jealousy from the secondary infertility and early pregnancy losses. I had said how those feelings made me feel like I could not seek God like I wanted to. I then went on to describe God's grace and forgiveness. Fortunately, a close friend / family member encouraged me by reminding me that those feelings are normal when you are grieving. It was said to me, "The five stages of loss / grief are denial, anger, bargaining, depression and acceptance. Nothing about these stages go against our faith or what we believe about God..."
After that, I found a blog post entitled,
"Good Grief- 5 ways your mourning can glorify God" (by The Cripplegate). In the article, the author mentions someone who once asked her, "How can I grieve in a way that honors God?" That is exactly how I feel. When I first found out about the ectopic pregnancy, I told a close friend that I want to honor God, but I just feel so sad and I don't know how to honor Him through my sadness.
I also found an article online from CBN entitled, "Living through Grief." Here are some highlights:
"We should not feel guilty for grieving because it is a necessary part of God’s pathway to healing. Ecclesiastes 3:1,4 says 'To everything there is a season, a time for every purpose under heaven: a time to weep, and a time to laugh; a time to mourn, and a time to dance.' Many Bible stories demonstrate how God comforts His people in times of sorrow and loss. Job clung desperately to God, despite catastrophic loss and unhelpful friends. David, a man after God’s own heart, openly grieved the death of his son. Jesus is our best role model for combining faith and grief, as revealed in John 11:1-45. When He saw Mary and Martha in anguish over the death of their brother Lazarus, He wept and groaned. Although Jesus knew He was about to raise Lazarus from the dead, He still allowed Himself to feel – and express – the depths of human sorrow. The Holy Spirit – also called the Comforter (see John 14:26, KJV) – can give us God’s peace, even in the midst of suffering. Philippians 4:6-7tells us, 'Be anxious for nothing, but in everything by prayer and supplication, with thanksgiving, let your requests be made known to God; and the peace of God, which surpasses all understanding, will guard your hearts and minds through Christ Jesus.' The peace of God does not come from our circumstances, but from drawing close to Him."
Thank-you to those friends / family who gently encouraged me not to feel guilty for the feelings I feel or have felt during the grieving process. I still pray that I grieve in a way to glorify Jesus!
At this time in our lives, Bradd and I have decided to forego any further fertility treatments. With the increased risk for another ectopic pregnancy, we feel led to stop trying to conceive. Our doctor did give us the option of doing another IUI (with extremely close monitoring) after three months of birth control. However, our doctor also understood if we did not want to take the risk of having another ectopic pregnancy. Obviously, God is the one ultimately in control, (as I feel I have clearly seen through all of this). He alone knows if we will ever have another biological child. However, I will be going on continuous birth control to control the endometriosis. I feel sad about this, but at the same time I feel God's peace.
Immediately after our first miscarriage, we began thinking more and more about adoption. We knew we wanted another biological child before it was too late, (I have borderline low ovarian reserve), so we continued to try and conceive, (and kept the idea of adoption in the back of our minds).
As members of the Summit church, we are surrounded by a community of believers who support adoption not only by their words, but by their actions. We know quite a few couples who have adopted, or are in the process. Basically, if a family is considering adoption, the Summit church is full of resources. One of the resources they provide is a book called, "Adopted for Life" by Russell D. Moore. He describes how adoption is a symbol of the gospel in a way that makes you want to dive deeper into the gospel itself:
"When we adopt—and when we encourage a culture of adoption in our churches and communities—we’re picturing something that’s true about our God. We, like Jesus, see what our Father is doing and do likewise (John 5:19) . And what our Father is doing, it turns out, is fighting for orphans, making them sons and daughters." -Russell D. Moore

Oliver will often say, "I love you (with a long pause) so much." He will also show me a toy and say, "My brothers gave this to me." When I ask him who his brothers are, he will say, "You and Daddy are my brothers." I just know Oliver already loves his future sibling...so much. Because this an older picture of Oliver, it reminds me that God knew the journey we would embark on long before we did, and that this picture would be a symbol of something only He could create...our adoption story!

We have felt a calling to adopt for a while now, we just expected to start the process later in life. However, the Lord has His own timing for things and His own plans, that are far better than ours. God adopted us into His family through the giving and receiving of His son, Jesus Christ. We who were once orphans, are now adopted into the family of God and have received a great inheritance.
We are praying and already loving the child that we will one day adopt. Even though you may or may not be born yet, little one, God knows you and loves you too.
"There’s something about patience that God deems necessary for our life in the age to come and so, whether through agriculture or discipleship or bodily development or eschatology or procreation, God makes us wait..." -Russell D. Moore
It makes me cry a little to think of everything that has brought us to this point, but at the same time it makes me giggle a little to think God already knows who our future child is and when we will welcome them into our family. I can also rejoice in the fact that God did give us the desires of our heart. After all, I wanted at least three children of my own. That's what I got, it's just two of them are already with Jesus. As I typed out, "children of my own" I was convicted. An adopted child is just as much "of my own" as Oliver is. For example, when we become children of God, our sinful past is erased and we are His own. I want to be able to describe Oliver and his future sibling as equally "our own." He/she will have the same inheritance as Oliver, just as everyone who comes to Christ receives the same inheritance no matter how long it took them to get there or what their background looks like. When we become children of God, we are all brothers and sisters in Christ. Praise the Lord! We can also say that Bradd received the desires of his heart as well. After all, there is no distinction between "our own" when it comes to an adopted child or a biological child.
We have chosen to start raising funds for our adoption by selling custom made "JennaJayne Earrings." Please visit https://www.etsy.com/shop/JennaJayneEarrings for more details. You may also follow my new Instagram account Rhea_and_Ivy for more details.
Thank-you for taking the time to read what is on our hearts.
InHisPeace,
~Candace

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