It Makes Me Giggle a Little

Before Bradd and I were married, we would casually mention how many children we each wanted. I always wanted at least three of my own and adopt one. Bradd had always wanted four of his own and adopt two. Looking back, this makes me giggle a little. As you can see though, we both have desired to have more than one child for a long time.
My last blog post mentions our fertility journey. To briefly summarize, we had an early miscarriage in October 2014 and just recently went through a fertility procedure (IUI) that ended up being a tubal ectopic pregnancy. Once a person has one ectopic pregnancy, their chances of having another one increase. Now that I have had an ectopic pregnancy, (on top of other underlying issues that put me at risk), my doctor said I have a 15 to 20% chance of having another ectopic pregnancy. My doctor also said that there were adhesions between my ovary, fallopian tube and bowel. Bradd said she even used the word "cement" to describe how stuck they were. For that reason, she could not remove my tube in fear that she would damage my ovary, (and she said it was hard to tell the tube from the ovary).
One thing I did not mention in my last blog was whether or not the baby had a heartbeat. Our sweet baby did have a heartbeat. I once had a dream I that I had an ectopic pregnancy, (probably because I am a high risk OB sonographer myself). It did not feel like a dream though, it felt more like a nightmare. With our first miscarriage, there was an intrauterine pregnancy, but never a heartbeat. Because the doctor was following my beta Hcg levels closely and we were still not seeing an intrauterine pregnancy, an ectopic pregnancy was on the differential list. Even so, I had still waited and waited to see a baby with a heartbeat. However, when I saw that this baby who was inside my fallopian tube did have a heartbeat, I was shocked and heartbroken. I knew what had to happen, but I did not want it to happen. When she was done scanning, I sat up and buried my head in my knees and continued to cry. I told her I know in my head that this baby will not survive and can be life threatening to me, but I did not want to terminate the pregnancy because of my beliefs. I kept saying, "I can't. It has a heartbeat...but I know I have to." The doctor looked at me sternly yet gently and assured me, "This is not a termination. You have no choice. This is out of your control." Because the baby was growing inside my fallopian tube, without surgery, my fallopian tube would eventually rupture and the baby would miscarry and I could potentially bleed to death. Still, I do not think I will ever get over what I had to do. Bradd and I are extremely grateful to our wonderful doctor(s) who has been more than amazing through it all.
In my previous blog post I had mentioned my feelings of sadness, anger, and jealousy from the secondary infertility and early pregnancy losses. I had said how those feelings made me feel like I could not seek God like I wanted to. I then went on to describe God's grace and forgiveness. Fortunately, a close friend / family member encouraged me by reminding me that those feelings are normal when you are grieving. It was said to me, "The five stages of loss / grief are denial, anger, bargaining, depression and acceptance. Nothing about these stages go against our faith or what we believe about God..."
After that, I found a blog post entitled,
"Good Grief- 5 ways your mourning can glorify God" (by The Cripplegate). In the article, the author mentions someone who once asked her, "How can I grieve in a way that honors God?" That is exactly how I feel. When I first found out about the ectopic pregnancy, I told a close friend that I want to honor God, but I just feel so sad and I don't know how to honor Him through my sadness.
I also found an article online from CBN entitled, "Living through Grief." Here are some highlights:
"We should not feel guilty for grieving because it is a necessary part of God’s pathway to healing. Ecclesiastes 3:1,4 says 'To everything there is a season, a time for every purpose under heaven: a time to weep, and a time to laugh; a time to mourn, and a time to dance.' Many Bible stories demonstrate how God comforts His people in times of sorrow and loss. Job clung desperately to God, despite catastrophic loss and unhelpful friends. David, a man after God’s own heart, openly grieved the death of his son. Jesus is our best role model for combining faith and grief, as revealed in John 11:1-45. When He saw Mary and Martha in anguish over the death of their brother Lazarus, He wept and groaned. Although Jesus knew He was about to raise Lazarus from the dead, He still allowed Himself to feel – and express – the depths of human sorrow. The Holy Spirit – also called the Comforter (see John 14:26, KJV) – can give us God’s peace, even in the midst of suffering. Philippians 4:6-7tells us, 'Be anxious for nothing, but in everything by prayer and supplication, with thanksgiving, let your requests be made known to God; and the peace of God, which surpasses all understanding, will guard your hearts and minds through Christ Jesus.' The peace of God does not come from our circumstances, but from drawing close to Him."
Thank-you to those friends / family who gently encouraged me not to feel guilty for the feelings I feel or have felt during the grieving process. I still pray that I grieve in a way to glorify Jesus!
At this time in our lives, Bradd and I have decided to forego any further fertility treatments. With the increased risk for another ectopic pregnancy, we feel led to stop trying to conceive. Our doctor did give us the option of doing another IUI (with extremely close monitoring) after three months of birth control. However, our doctor also understood if we did not want to take the risk of having another ectopic pregnancy. Obviously, God is the one ultimately in control, (as I feel I have clearly seen through all of this). He alone knows if we will ever have another biological child. However, I will be going on continuous birth control to control the endometriosis. I feel sad about this, but at the same time I feel God's peace.
Immediately after our first miscarriage, we began thinking more and more about adoption. We knew we wanted another biological child before it was too late, (I have borderline low ovarian reserve), so we continued to try and conceive, (and kept the idea of adoption in the back of our minds).
As members of the Summit church, we are surrounded by a community of believers who support adoption not only by their words, but by their actions. We know quite a few couples who have adopted, or are in the process. Basically, if a family is considering adoption, the Summit church is full of resources. One of the resources they provide is a book called, "Adopted for Life" by Russell D. Moore. He describes how adoption is a symbol of the gospel in a way that makes you want to dive deeper into the gospel itself:
"When we adopt—and when we encourage a culture of adoption in our churches and communities—we’re picturing something that’s true about our God. We, like Jesus, see what our Father is doing and do likewise (John 5:19) . And what our Father is doing, it turns out, is fighting for orphans, making them sons and daughters." -Russell D. Moore

Oliver will often say, "I love you (with a long pause) so much." He will also show me a toy and say, "My brothers gave this to me." When I ask him who his brothers are, he will say, "You and Daddy are my brothers." I just know Oliver already loves his future sibling...so much. Because this an older picture of Oliver, it reminds me that God knew the journey we would embark on long before we did, and that this picture would be a symbol of something only He could create...our adoption story!

We have felt a calling to adopt for a while now, we just expected to start the process later in life. However, the Lord has His own timing for things and His own plans, that are far better than ours. God adopted us into His family through the giving and receiving of His son, Jesus Christ. We who were once orphans, are now adopted into the family of God and have received a great inheritance.
We are praying and already loving the child that we will one day adopt. Even though you may or may not be born yet, little one, God knows you and loves you too.
"There’s something about patience that God deems necessary for our life in the age to come and so, whether through agriculture or discipleship or bodily development or eschatology or procreation, God makes us wait..." -Russell D. Moore
It makes me cry a little to think of everything that has brought us to this point, but at the same time it makes me giggle a little to think God already knows who our future child is and when we will welcome them into our family. I can also rejoice in the fact that God did give us the desires of our heart. After all, I wanted at least three children of my own. That's what I got, it's just two of them are already with Jesus. As I typed out, "children of my own" I was convicted. An adopted child is just as much "of my own" as Oliver is. For example, when we become children of God, our sinful past is erased and we are His own. I want to be able to describe Oliver and his future sibling as equally "our own." He/she will have the same inheritance as Oliver, just as everyone who comes to Christ receives the same inheritance no matter how long it took them to get there or what their background looks like. When we become children of God, we are all brothers and sisters in Christ. Praise the Lord! We can also say that Bradd received the desires of his heart as well. After all, there is no distinction between "our own" when it comes to an adopted child or a biological child.
We have chosen to start raising funds for our adoption by selling custom made "JennaJayne Earrings." Please visit https://www.etsy.com/shop/JennaJayneEarrings for more details. You may also follow my new Instagram account Rhea_and_Ivy for more details.
Thank-you for taking the time to read what is on our hearts.
InHisPeace,
~Candace

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