It Makes Me Giggle a Little

Before Bradd and I were married, we would casually mention how many children we each wanted. I always wanted at least three of my own and adopt one. Bradd had always wanted four of his own and adopt two. Looking back, this makes me giggle a little. As you can see though, we both have desired to have more than one child for a long time.
My last blog post mentions our fertility journey. To briefly summarize, we had an early miscarriage in October 2014 and just recently went through a fertility procedure (IUI) that ended up being a tubal ectopic pregnancy. Once a person has one ectopic pregnancy, their chances of having another one increase. Now that I have had an ectopic pregnancy, (on top of other underlying issues that put me at risk), my doctor said I have a 15 to 20% chance of having another ectopic pregnancy. My doctor also said that there were adhesions between my ovary, fallopian tube and bowel. Bradd said she even used the word "cement" to describe how stuck they were. For that reason, she could not remove my tube in fear that she would damage my ovary, (and she said it was hard to tell the tube from the ovary).
One thing I did not mention in my last blog was whether or not the baby had a heartbeat. Our sweet baby did have a heartbeat. I once had a dream I that I had an ectopic pregnancy, (probably because I am a high risk OB sonographer myself). It did not feel like a dream though, it felt more like a nightmare. With our first miscarriage, there was an intrauterine pregnancy, but never a heartbeat. Because the doctor was following my beta Hcg levels closely and we were still not seeing an intrauterine pregnancy, an ectopic pregnancy was on the differential list. Even so, I had still waited and waited to see a baby with a heartbeat. However, when I saw that this baby who was inside my fallopian tube did have a heartbeat, I was shocked and heartbroken. I knew what had to happen, but I did not want it to happen. When she was done scanning, I sat up and buried my head in my knees and continued to cry. I told her I know in my head that this baby will not survive and can be life threatening to me, but I did not want to terminate the pregnancy because of my beliefs. I kept saying, "I can't. It has a heartbeat...but I know I have to." The doctor looked at me sternly yet gently and assured me, "This is not a termination. You have no choice. This is out of your control." Because the baby was growing inside my fallopian tube, without surgery, my fallopian tube would eventually rupture and the baby would miscarry and I could potentially bleed to death. Still, I do not think I will ever get over what I had to do. Bradd and I are extremely grateful to our wonderful doctor(s) who has been more than amazing through it all.
In my previous blog post I had mentioned my feelings of sadness, anger, and jealousy from the secondary infertility and early pregnancy losses. I had said how those feelings made me feel like I could not seek God like I wanted to. I then went on to describe God's grace and forgiveness. Fortunately, a close friend / family member encouraged me by reminding me that those feelings are normal when you are grieving. It was said to me, "The five stages of loss / grief are denial, anger, bargaining, depression and acceptance. Nothing about these stages go against our faith or what we believe about God..."
After that, I found a blog post entitled,
"Good Grief- 5 ways your mourning can glorify God" (by The Cripplegate). In the article, the author mentions someone who once asked her, "How can I grieve in a way that honors God?" That is exactly how I feel. When I first found out about the ectopic pregnancy, I told a close friend that I want to honor God, but I just feel so sad and I don't know how to honor Him through my sadness.
I also found an article online from CBN entitled, "Living through Grief." Here are some highlights:
"We should not feel guilty for grieving because it is a necessary part of God’s pathway to healing. Ecclesiastes 3:1,4 says 'To everything there is a season, a time for every purpose under heaven: a time to weep, and a time to laugh; a time to mourn, and a time to dance.' Many Bible stories demonstrate how God comforts His people in times of sorrow and loss. Job clung desperately to God, despite catastrophic loss and unhelpful friends. David, a man after God’s own heart, openly grieved the death of his son. Jesus is our best role model for combining faith and grief, as revealed in John 11:1-45. When He saw Mary and Martha in anguish over the death of their brother Lazarus, He wept and groaned. Although Jesus knew He was about to raise Lazarus from the dead, He still allowed Himself to feel – and express – the depths of human sorrow. The Holy Spirit – also called the Comforter (see John 14:26, KJV) – can give us God’s peace, even in the midst of suffering. Philippians 4:6-7tells us, 'Be anxious for nothing, but in everything by prayer and supplication, with thanksgiving, let your requests be made known to God; and the peace of God, which surpasses all understanding, will guard your hearts and minds through Christ Jesus.' The peace of God does not come from our circumstances, but from drawing close to Him."
Thank-you to those friends / family who gently encouraged me not to feel guilty for the feelings I feel or have felt during the grieving process. I still pray that I grieve in a way to glorify Jesus!
At this time in our lives, Bradd and I have decided to forego any further fertility treatments. With the increased risk for another ectopic pregnancy, we feel led to stop trying to conceive. Our doctor did give us the option of doing another IUI (with extremely close monitoring) after three months of birth control. However, our doctor also understood if we did not want to take the risk of having another ectopic pregnancy. Obviously, God is the one ultimately in control, (as I feel I have clearly seen through all of this). He alone knows if we will ever have another biological child. However, I will be going on continuous birth control to control the endometriosis. I feel sad about this, but at the same time I feel God's peace.
Immediately after our first miscarriage, we began thinking more and more about adoption. We knew we wanted another biological child before it was too late, (I have borderline low ovarian reserve), so we continued to try and conceive, (and kept the idea of adoption in the back of our minds).
As members of the Summit church, we are surrounded by a community of believers who support adoption not only by their words, but by their actions. We know quite a few couples who have adopted, or are in the process. Basically, if a family is considering adoption, the Summit church is full of resources. One of the resources they provide is a book called, "Adopted for Life" by Russell D. Moore. He describes how adoption is a symbol of the gospel in a way that makes you want to dive deeper into the gospel itself:
"When we adopt—and when we encourage a culture of adoption in our churches and communities—we’re picturing something that’s true about our God. We, like Jesus, see what our Father is doing and do likewise (John 5:19) . And what our Father is doing, it turns out, is fighting for orphans, making them sons and daughters." -Russell D. Moore

Oliver will often say, "I love you (with a long pause) so much." He will also show me a toy and say, "My brothers gave this to me." When I ask him who his brothers are, he will say, "You and Daddy are my brothers." I just know Oliver already loves his future sibling...so much. Because this an older picture of Oliver, it reminds me that God knew the journey we would embark on long before we did, and that this picture would be a symbol of something only He could create...our adoption story!

We have felt a calling to adopt for a while now, we just expected to start the process later in life. However, the Lord has His own timing for things and His own plans, that are far better than ours. God adopted us into His family through the giving and receiving of His son, Jesus Christ. We who were once orphans, are now adopted into the family of God and have received a great inheritance.
We are praying and already loving the child that we will one day adopt. Even though you may or may not be born yet, little one, God knows you and loves you too.
"There’s something about patience that God deems necessary for our life in the age to come and so, whether through agriculture or discipleship or bodily development or eschatology or procreation, God makes us wait..." -Russell D. Moore
It makes me cry a little to think of everything that has brought us to this point, but at the same time it makes me giggle a little to think God already knows who our future child is and when we will welcome them into our family. I can also rejoice in the fact that God did give us the desires of our heart. After all, I wanted at least three children of my own. That's what I got, it's just two of them are already with Jesus. As I typed out, "children of my own" I was convicted. An adopted child is just as much "of my own" as Oliver is. For example, when we become children of God, our sinful past is erased and we are His own. I want to be able to describe Oliver and his future sibling as equally "our own." He/she will have the same inheritance as Oliver, just as everyone who comes to Christ receives the same inheritance no matter how long it took them to get there or what their background looks like. When we become children of God, we are all brothers and sisters in Christ. Praise the Lord! We can also say that Bradd received the desires of his heart as well. After all, there is no distinction between "our own" when it comes to an adopted child or a biological child.
We have chosen to start raising funds for our adoption by selling custom made "JennaJayne Earrings." Please visit https://www.etsy.com/shop/JennaJayneEarrings for more details. You may also follow my new Instagram account Rhea_and_Ivy for more details.
Thank-you for taking the time to read what is on our hearts.
InHisPeace,
~Candace

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It's Okay to Not be Okay

"Remember your word to your servant,
in which you have made me hope. This is my comfort in my affliction,
that your promise gives me life."
Psalm 119:49-50

In July 2014, Bradd and I started trying to expand our family. We found out we were pregnant in October 2014. That pregnancy ended in an early miscarriage. We named that baby "Rhea Hope" since my middle name, before I was married, was Rhea. Also because our hope is in Jesus, (and we have hope for more children, of course).

We continued to try to conceive again for several months. After several months of no success, I saw a fertility doctor because I felt like my endometriosis was back, (due to the pain).

The doctor concluded that I have borderline low ovarian reserve and that the endometriosis had most likely recurred based on my ultrasound and symptoms. At that point, she said we need to conceive as soon as possible. Our three options were as follows: IVF (In Vitro Fertilization), IUI (Intrauterine Insemination), or continue to try on our own for no more than three cycles. We opted to keep trying on our own first.

Here we are, months later, after completing our first IUI with Clomid and ovulation induction. I had a positive pregnancy test and I was elated. I felt extremely blessed to simply have a positive pregnancy test! I immediately began to re-hash out baby names with Bradd and I even pulled out all of my old maternity clothes I wore with Oliver.

By the way, just in case you are wondering, we conceived on the first try with Oliver. Although, I had a laparoscopy to remove endometriosis before getting pregnant with him.

Bradd reminded me that anything could go wrong, and he was not going be satisfied until there was a baby in his arms. I, on the other hand, had my hopes up immediately. Even with the job I have as a high risk OB sonographer, (where I see extremely sad situations all the time), I was still hopeful, or at least cautiously optimistic.

Soon after the positive pregnancy test, there were a few signs that pointed to a possibly unsuccessful pregnancy. Eventually, I found out that this was a tubal ectopic pregnancy. I completely fell apart. I was rushed to the hospital for surgery.

We chose this baby's first name after my pawpaw's father, (to whom my mother's middle name "Ivalene" is after) "Ivy."
The middle name is "Grace." God's grace will sustain us through it all. After we chose this name, we found out that my mawmaw's father had two sisters named Ivy and Grace. I think this baby's name was meant to be. Speaking of names, Pastor JD has been speaking on the names of God...It helped that the Sunday before I found out about the ectopic pregnancy, Pastor JD preached part 5 of "I Am." An excerpt from his sermon transcript is here:

"When you became a Christian, you took God’s name, I am. The properties of the “I am” became yours.
You became one with him. What he has you have. You became a participant in the divine nature (says Peter) an inheritor of the divine promises (says Paul). ALL THE PROMISES OF GOD are yes... for you are one with him!

When you say no to God, or falter in obedience, or cower before an assignment, because you think, “I am not ____,” you are.

What I am, you are. Stop taking my name in vain.

You say, “But God, I am so dysfunctional.” And he says, “Yet I am so complete.”

You say, “I am so deficient.” He says, “I am so sufficient.”

You say, “I am so doubtful.” He says, “I am so faithful.”

You say, “I am so sinful.” He says, “I am so graceful.”

I am so weak; but I am so strong."

I kept thinking, how will I handle another pregnancy loss? That's just it, I don't have to. He is the Great I AM.

Even though I fail everyday, Jesus is there to pick me up. I am trying to fully rely on Him. It is hard. I often feel overwhelmed and defeated, and that is often when I am trying too hard on my own.

A song that has ministered to me is "Exhale" by Plumb:
"It's okay to not be okay
This is a safe place
This is a safe place
Don't be afraid
Don't be ashamed
There's still hope here
There's still hope here

No matter what you've done or who you are
Everyone is welcome His arms

Just let go let His love wrap around you
And hold you close
Get lost in the surrender
Breathe it in until your heart breaks
Then exhale
Exhale

Spirit come tear down the walls
That only You can
That only You can
Reconcile this heart to Yours
Right now God
Right now

Just let go let His love wrap around you
And hold you close
Get lost in the surrender
Breathe it in until your heart breaks
Then exhale
Exhale

Oh God We breathe in your grace
We breathe in your grace
And exhale
Oh God we do not exist for us
But to share Your grace and love
And exhale

Oh God We breathe in your grace
We breathe in your grace
And exhale
Oh God we do not exist for us
But to share Your grace and love
And exhale

Just let go let His love wrap around you
And hold you close
Get lost in the surrender
Breathe it in until your heart breaks
Then exhale
Exhale
Exhale
Exhale
Exhale"

I have to tell myself that it is okay to not be okay and that I do not exist for myself, but for God. Just breathe, Candace.

Our original plan was to do two more IUI cycles and then if no success, I would go on continuous birth control to control the endometriosis. However, because of the ectopic, my doctor wants me on birth control for the next three months. After that, we could do another IUI, but I have an increased risk for another ectopic pregnancy. Bradd and I have a lot of praying to do.

Living in the unknown is hard for me. I would love to fast forward time to a place where we are holding a newborn in our arms, or we are embracing life as family of three, or to the time when we begin the adoption process, (we want to adopt but are still praying about the timing). I am sure anyone going through fertility treatment just wants to be at the end of it. However, I can almost hear that still, small voice telling me not to rush this process. The process of grieving, the process of waiting, and the process of listening...listening to that still, small voice in the midst of suffering.

Suffering? Compared to most people, I am not suffering at all. I almost feel guilty saying I am suffering. Perhaps I should call it a blessing. I think it is both, actually.

The positive aspect of this is that at least I had a positive pregnancy test. For that, I am grateful. I am also grateful for my son, Oliver. Oh, and of course that the ectopic was found and I am safe and healthy.

Secondary infertility is not talked about much. I do have two friends who have been battling secondary infertility much longer than I have. They have truly been an encouragement as they have and continue to demonstrate true hope in Jesus through it all. One of those friends in particular knew I was going through the IUI and she was ready at any moment to grieve with me if it was unsuccessful or rejoice with me if was successful. Her hope and joy for me to get pregnant was there even after her fertility treatments were unsuccessful. God is their "I AM" for sure.

My prayer when I was pregnant with Rhea Hope asking Jesus to help me to be satisfied with Him alone regardless if we ever have another baby, comes to my mind often. I would often pray, "Whatever it takes, Jesus, draw me closer to you." This past year has been the most difficult year of my life, but if this is my "whatever it takes" then I am grateful.

Have I truly sought Jesus through my tears? Have I truly put Him first? Have I truly become satisfied with the giver of life? No, I haven't. Have I become more aware of my sin? Have I become more aware of my need for Him? Has the gospel become more real to me? Yes.

I know God is trying to get my attention. I keep asking Him what do you want me to do? The one thing I keep hearing Him say is, "Seek me." How do I do that when I am sad and even a little angry? Oh, and sometimes jealous too. Those feelings are hard to admit, but they are there. Jesus took my sin and shame upon the cross though and He looks at me (and you) through eyes of grace. He stands at the right hand of the Father pleading our case. God's mercy has been poured out upon us- what a blessing. I must seek Him through the sadness, anger, and jealousy. Perhaps seeking Him during times like these are easier? All I know is I have to seek Him now, and with all my heart. My selfishness and idolatry has also been exposed during this time. I hope to be able to help someone else and not be so focused on my own suffering.

A close friend reminded me of the song, "Come as you are" by Crowder and the part that says,
"Earth has no sorrow that Heaven can't heal." So true. I do feel God's peace and I know He can heal our sorrow. Praise Him for that!

A scripture I memorized through this is Philippians 3:7-11, "But everything that was a gain to me, I have considered to be a loss because of Christ. More than that, I also consider everything to be a loss in view of the surpassing value of knowing Christ Jesus my Lord. Because of Him I have suffered the loss of all things and consider them filth, so that I may gain Christ and be found in Him, not having a righteousness of my own from the law, but one that is through faith in Christ—the righteousness from God based on faith. My goal is to know Him and the power of His resurrection and the fellowship of His sufferings, being conformed to His death, assuming that I will somehow reach the resurrection from among the dead."

May our hope be found in Jesus alone, and may His grace forever sustain us.

P.S. Thank-you for all of the prayers. Please continue to pray for Bradd and me, as we grieve the loss of this baby.

~Candace

Oliver 36 months (3 years old

Happy 3rd Birthday to Oliver! I have thoroughly enjoyed these three years of watching him grow and develop. He is so much fun, so sweet, and each stage truly does get better and better. I am learning how to discipline him and trying to teach him preschool. I am also in a mom's Bible study and trying to apply what I learn in order to help lead Oliver to Jesus.

Oliver loves to:

~Help (this is him helping me make Christmas goodies- it only lasted about a minute, but I was still proud of him)

 

~Wear sunglasses and point to planes / helicopters

 

~Play hide and go seek

 

~Hold up the number "Fee"

 

~Play with Superman

 

~Ride his new bicycle, (learning of course)

 

~Go fishing

 

~Ride his scooter with his helmet on of course

 

~Make silly faces

 

~Tickle and be tickled, ("There's a bear coming to get you, Mommy")

 

~Motorcycles

 

~Play store

 

~Go to CFA

 

~Carry things

 

~Go to the dentist, (yes, he loved his first time at the dentist)

 

~Superman, ("Don't call me Oliver, call me Superman")

~Football, basketball, and soccer

 

 

~Share his birthday with his mommy

 

 

 

~just be cute

 

Here are some of my favorite things he says these days:

"Say Superman Mommy," (he pretends he is Superman and wants me to call him that) or "I'm not Oliver, I'm Superman!"

"Luz you too, Mommy."

"What's wrong?"

"No Rose, no Charley."

John 3:16 and Acts 5:29

"Thank-you God for this food."

"God is great, God is good. Let us thank him for our food...Mommy you say the rest."

"I'm Superman. See my cape?"

"I wanna do fire rocket."

"Come shut the door and say wow wow."

"It's a sure pretty day outside."

"See my stick?"

Oliver also loves to...shoot bears, hide, tickle and be tickled, color, play trains, turn pages of books, roll balls, play cars, and fly like Superman.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

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